I hide, you know. From everything. "retreating to the worlds of fairies and pixies et al" I'm getting tired of it. Tired enough to start... making choices that will get me out of it, if I can get up the courage. I'm tired of being lonely, and tired of feeling useless. I feel the need to break the chains I have upon me. And now i've picked what I want to do, now I just have to... start doing it. But it's alot easier to be hiding with the fae. It's easier to hide, than it is to break out of the prison i've made myself. It's hard for me. I know it's a prison, but it's a pretty one. No responsibilities, no hard work. When your jail is pretty and of your own making, escape is much harder. You're safe, in your pretty prison. Nothing hurts, you can't FAIL, or hurt things. Leaving it leaves you open for all the... badness. Heart break and stress, failure and loss. But you're never really happy in the pretty prison, either. You can't succeed when you don't have to try, and have the option of failing. Your heart can't break, but... you don't always feel like you've got a heart at all. And thus you cannot lose it, or give it fully to another, because doing that gives them the ability to crush it, or throw it aside. And you have to want to leave. For a long time, I wasn't sure if I did. I kind of wanted to go on that way forever.
The meth was my first prison. It made me unable to feel. But, then... it also made me stop thinking, too. I wasn't hurting anymore, but.. I nearly let myself die of starvation, stayed awake for almost a month, when the sleep study people says that a WEEK with no sleep will make a person crazy.
When I started feeling even through the walls of the drugs, I started to get off them, and started building this one. This world where I'm all alone, lost in books about things that aren't possible. I can't even bring myself to read "Schindler's List" or "Smack" or "Cut", nothing that could happen in real life. Only fantasies of magic and other worlds. I still don't know how to get out. Not really. I can think "I want to do this", and then "how?" And then I get all indecisive and stuck. I don't know how you go about taking that first step anymore. It's been so long since I had to take one. He says he needs me to be more. How do you start to be more than you are? Aren't I just who I am? And if who I am isn't enough, isn't it pointless, anyway?
I just don't know. I've forgotton how to change things. I've gotten myself too scared to figure out how to be a part of the world again. I'm sick of being lonely all the time, when the only person I talk to on a regular basis is a friend all the way back in Oregon. I can't even count on him to be around anymore. I haven't been able to for much longer than the problems we're having now have been going on. I miss him, ok? All the ******** time. He says he doesn't want to be my security blanket, and I get that. I can even understand what it is that makes him feel that way. When you've only got two people you can count on outside your family, you tend to clutch on to them pretty tight. But I've known that I loved him since I was 15 years old. That really, deep down, I couldn't even picture myself with anyone else. Some times, since I've been with him since I was so young, I can't help but wonder what my life would be like with out him. But I've never really wanted that. And then I think "how would it be different if I hadn't seen him on Main Street that day?" And I realize that, in all likelyhood, I'd have 3 kids, a meth habit, and some a*****e who doesn't really give a s**t about me. That, or I'd be dead.
Maybe I'm not always happy. Maybe I'm trapped in this prison in my head and can't figure out how to escape. Maybe I'm lonely more than I should be. But I know where my heart really is. I'm just not sure where HIS is anymore. And it's partially.. mostly... my own fault for ******** s**t up. Getting scared and panicking. But I don't know how to be more that what I am. And I don't know how to make who I am enough.
Necia-Nokomis Community Member 
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