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Goodbye..
"So..That's it then?"
The corners of my eyes had been stinging for some time now, I hadn't really paid much attention though. They weren't stinging from the tears that were streaming down my face. No. It was because I couldn't stop staring at her. I hadn't blinked for some time now, I didn't plan to either. I didn't want to miss a single second. To waste the last precious moments that I would have with her. The one I gave up my hopes and dreams for. The one I thought I loved. But, I guess I was wrong. Again.
"Y-Yeah.."
She stumbled over her word's, trying to make this less painful than it already was, or going to be. That's impossible though, nothing could heal this hole that was in my heart. Nothing.
"I guess I'll go then.."
I didn't break the stare between us, she tried to, multiple times, but nothing could've broken us up at that precise moment. We both didn't want this. We both knew that. Then why was I going to leave the girl I thought I loved?
Simple.
Because I'd rather see her happy then to see her suffer.
Every single day with me was like hell to her. I had no idea why, though. I could see it in her eyes. She tried to hide it, but nothing could get by me. I thought I was doing everything right. Doing everything by the book. Playing it safe.
Maybe that was the problem.
Maybe she wanted someone more dangerous, willing to take risks. Not some teenage boy who 'plays it safe'.
No.
She wanted someone the exact opposite of me. A daredevil. Something I could never be. Even if I tried my very best. Although, my best never seemed good enough. To her, at least.
"O-Okay.."
There she goes. Stammering over her words again. Does she know how much this hurts? How much this kills me inside? Why doesn't she just pull out a gun and put it to my head, just to get it over with already. That was probably going to happen sooner or later anyways. I couldn't stand a single minute without her.
Maybe that was it.
Maybe I was too clingy. Too dependent on her. I needed someone to rely on, to catch me when I fell.
So many reasons why..
And my brain can't even comprehend any of them.
I have no idea where everything went wrong.
When our love died.
Or..
Maybe it was never there in the first place.
Maybe I'm just making this into something much bigger than it should be.
Maybe..
"Are you okay, Clay?"
Her face filled with concern, though I knew she didn't really care in the first place. I held back any more tears that might escape. I don't think I was doing a very good job though. I swallowed hard.
"Yeah."
I faked a smile.
"I'm fine."
Liar! Just tell her the truth! That you can't stand one day without her, That you need her in your life. I'm the hero, your the heroine. I need you to survive. Don't you know that? No. Of course you wouldn't. I'm just a stupid little boy thinking stupid childish thoughts.
"Bye, Hannah."
I slowly headed for the door, breaking our stare in the process. God. My heart was tearing into pieces. After this, I don't think there will be anything left of it.
"Bye Clay.."
Her tone was barely above a whisper. But I heard it. We both did. I looked back slightly. Looked back at the past, at what could've been. I half-smiled as a tear rolled down her porcelain face.
"I'll see you later."
Lie. One lie after another. She knew what I was going to do. And the worst part is;
She didn't even try to stop me.
Hmph, some girlfriend.
Or should I say ex?
It didn't matter now.
As soon as I walked out that door. I ran. Ran as far as my feet would carry me. I looked up at the house where my feet stopped.
My house.
This was it.
The last night I would ever see her again. The last night I would ever say my last words. The last night I would be able to breathe.
There was no turning back.
I quietly walked in through the front door, making sure I wouldn't wake my parents up. I slid off my shoes and tip-toed to the bathroom. That bathroom was my only safe haven now. I savaged through the bathroom cabinet. Trying to find any sleeping pills that I could find. Finally, I find it. Tylenol P.M. I stared at the bottle for a long while. Not debating on whether or not I should do it, but on whether or not these pills would actually kill me or not. I opened the bottle carefully, letting about 4 or 5 pills fall into my hand.
No.
That wasn't enough.
I needed more.
More to ease the pain. More to make sure I would die. This life..wasn't worth living. Not if I didn't have her.
She didn't even care.
She never did care.
She faked it.
All of it.
And that just sickened me.
I dumped the whole bottle into my hand, the pills sat there on my hand. Mocking me. Taunting me.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I stuffed the pills in my mouth.
Open wide, Clay.
Swallowing the pills long and hard, I laid on my bed.
Unbelievable.
I had done it.
Soon, this life would be over.
And I wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore.
Not to my parents, to classmates, to friends.
Or to you, Hannah Baker.
Suddenly, I felt my chest tighten.
I gripped it tightly, smiling as this happened.
It was time.
I didn't yell, scream, or beg for mercy.
I just simply let it happen.
I let nature take its course.
Its course of death.
I fell to the floor, gasping for air.
I finally laid on my back, laying there on the floor.
I felt my eyelids slowly closing.
My chest untightened.
My whole body went numb.
Ha.
Just what I wanted.
As my whole body begins to shut down, I smile.
Goodbye world.
And most of all;
Goodbye, Hannah Baker.
Like I said, I got inspired by this book I'm currently reading.
It's an amazing book.
Go buy it.
Jay Asher.
You outdid yourself.
Feedback would be appreciated.
I'm a fanfiction writer, so I would like to know if I need to improve or not.
Thank you.
*And no, I'm not suicidal. :'D
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