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Denial is a back-stabbing companion. |
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Denial is a back-stabbing companion.
Life changes, sometimes it goes by in one big blur. And there are some things that, as they change, they are painful or scary, and you close your eyes, or look away and focus on something else. Then a friend comes along, denial, and tells you that if you can't see it, it’s not really there. It's not happening. If you ignore it, things will stay the same and everything will be comfortable and happy. And this seems so much more enticing than facing reality, so what do we do? We listen. We say, okay! If I just look this way and pretend this other issue isn't there, it will get bored and go away, just like a bully at school.
But then something happens. One day, you wake up, everything blissfully normal, and you get a phone call.
"Sarah, I'm pregnant."
"Sarah, I'm getting married."
"Sarah, I'm seeing Mark again."
"Sarah, he's gone."
"Sarah, I just turned 16."
And then all of a sudden, you realize that you're not 15-years-old any more. The things that seem so far off in the distance when you are that age are all of a sudden staring you in the face. And they are staring the people you love in the face too. And now you realize that while you still feel 15, think you look 15, your friends, your family, your peers are all growing up. And so are you. BAM! Reality checks in and you are left flat on your butt, standing next to your best friend at her wedding, holding your friend's new baby, going to your cousin's high school graduation, crying at a friend's funeral.
The everyday progression of life can seriously blind people to the most critical phases in their lives. Rights of Passage happen all through life, not just once when you turn 18 and then again when you turn 21. But when you are so focused on seeing the meaning in the smallest things, the big things seem so impossible. But they still happen, no matter how limited your mind is against those things.
One day I will make some of those phone calls. One day I will call my best friend and say, "Hannah, I'm getting married." I'll call my mum and say "Mum I'm pregnant." And those are things that I've wanted since I was just a little girl. The difference is, now, I'm closer to them. So close I can almost feel them breathing down my neck, and I'm terrified. Have I let myself be blinded from life and the good things it holds, simply because I am afraid? Afraid of what it will be like, how it will happen, and will I miss it?
I still want my life to be all it can be, for me to realize the dreams I have... But I think the first thing I need to do is realize... that I'm not the same person I was six years ago. Not in age, appearance, mentality, or personality. I've grown up, perhaps not completely, but some, yes. And with that comes responsibility. Not just duties and loads to carry. But learning to accept reality; that is the challenge.
So here I go, while my friends are all doing things I can only hope to do one day, and myself doing things that those younger than me strive to achieve, I have to open my eyes and see the things I don't want to see, live the things I'm scared to experience, and love every person I meet along the way.
 friday_and_im_in_love · Wed Jan 09, 2008 @ 08:30am · 0 Comments |
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`Rex friday_and_im_in_love `Rex But I just cant forget about last night! D:
It Was Dissapointing mad
S'Ok.
Next Time Try Dairy Farmers.
It Works A Charm.
`Rex Insanity_Of_The_loveless friday_and_im_in_love `Rex friday_and_im_in_love `Rex I`m sorry the whip cream stoped working.. stressed
Next Time Try Dairy Farmers.
It Works A Charm.
Whats This With That Insanity_Of_The_loveless kid?
He Was There?!<.<;;
>.>;;
I swear, I wasn't in the closet.
s**t..shes catching on to us... ninja
Did you hide the Video tapes and make copies?
friday_and_im_in_love · Wed Jan 17, 2007 @ 03:56am · 0 Comments |
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Homosexuals And Homophobes. |
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Ok.
So im going to tell you about something that i witnessed today.
And really, it disgusted me.
I was at the train station, and this kid comes along, say 15 or 16.
And he was crying.
So i tried to console him, and i asked him what was wrong.
Apparently some other kids had beaten him up, and swore at him, and other cruel stuff, because he was a homosexual.
And that just really got me down.
To know that that kid wasnt accepted because he's gay.
It just saddens me that the world has come to this.
Where someone can't walk down the street without others judging them.
The people who did that to him were total strangers. He'd never met them before. Yet they judged him. And probably emotionally scarred him.
So to all the homophobes out there, i Pity you.
I mean, really. Take a look around. Grow the ******** up.
People who are homosexual are exactly the same to you and me.
The only difference is they like the same sex.
Who cares?
Its what comes natural to them.
So next time you go to tease someone about their sexuality, stop and think.
How would your words effect them?
If you were gay, would you like people saying those cruel words to you?
I Think Not.
And To All The Homosexuals Out There, I Support You, 100%.
friday_and_im_in_love · Sat Jan 13, 2007 @ 02:35am · 1 Comments |
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So I Reckon I'll Quest For This. |
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Heres to the night.
We watch stars fall.
It is through the immortal words of a then 13 year old that I retell this story.
For this I am deeply sorry.
I have a good memory when it pertains to faces, places, and emotions.
Of course, and as is true with most old memories, the side details are vague.
She holds the phone between her wet fingers, as she goes again to clean the tears from her face.
I can see the rain drops hit the pavement under the streetlight at the bottom of my front lawn.
"I found a box as I was cleaning out my parents closet."
I wish I could run away.
"..i found a birthday card"
I can feel her tears staining my cheeks, as the petals of the flowers outside my window slowly crumple.
"It was from my dad.....he never got a chance to fill it out."
There are a million different thoughts that race through my head.
But one question keeps appearing: why?
And all I hear is her battle against the blitz of tears.
I have no response.
For the first time in my life, I feel sheer hopelessness.
What do you say to a girl who lost her father at the age of 11?
What do you say to a president who didnt even utter the words AIDS until 1987, six years after it exploded onto the scene in the US?
What do you say to the millions of people dying of AIDS in Africa when their own governments suppress the scale of the epidemic?
Sympathy only gets you so far.
friday_and_im_in_love · Fri Jan 12, 2007 @ 04:38am · 1 Comments |
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You are everything you are, Nothing at all. |
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I find it so hard to write this, or anything else. I find i've become everything i so despise, and as you can imagine, it is causing me to rethink whatever it is i'm doing with my life.
"Mothers and Fathers of the world, please be patient with your children."
This is just to say thank you to all those people who influence my life every minute of every day. To the people who pick me up and shelter me from the world. To the people who remind me that they are always here for me should i need it. To the people who make me smile no matter how bad life gets. To the people who show me such compassion and love. To the people who put up with me through everything i do.
You are the world to me.
I know i am hard to deal with; i know that well enough on my own.
I am trying, i promise you, to get through this.
I just need to let go. But i'm afraid that if i do, i'll leave behind the caring and compassion i have for people. And i'm just so confused, hurt, and lost.
Regardless, ignore me. I'll be fine; I'll get through this.
And love should be left to the professionals, which ISN'T me:
I love you a lot, and i would do anything to make sure you're happy. But i know that it wouldn't really work. It's just....i hate throwing this away to chance.
I'm so damn illogical it's amusing (there you go Lachlan....laugh at me!)
Later. And i love you all, even those of you i have yet to meet.
friday_and_im_in_love · Fri Jan 12, 2007 @ 04:37am · 0 Comments |
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