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I'm in an emotional void at the moment. I'm having trouble feeling anything.

I went to an awesome event a few weeks ago, but felt almost nothing. I'm feeling nothing now, not even meh! Maybe a little sad, but thats all.

I need a hug. dramallama

Well, its been a while since my last post.

Things have changed as bit.

My motorbike broke, so I'm taking the bus to work, and can't pop out at lunch time for food, so I have to plan my meals, etc. And have cut out snacking.
Extra exercise + controlled eating = 7 kg off! (15lb)

I'm 182cm (6'), and was 105kg (230lb). Now I'm 97.5kg (215lb). My ideal weight for my height is 85kg (190lb). But I just want to get back under 90kg (200lb). I looked down the other day, and saw my toes without bending forward!

I've also cut out high sugar foods like chocolate gonk , soda's crying , and high fats like chips (fries) evil

Still, I have an "indulgance" once a week. Like a combo meal if I'm out, just loose the soda. Or some choc, but not a lot. (Actually, I had 5 choc covered almonds, and felt sick after. Go figure.)

Other News. Told someone of my feelings for them, and got told No. *sigh* Saw it comming, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Since it's a friend, things got a little weird, but I'm trying to put things into perspective, and get on with both our lives without letting this drive us apart. Hope it works, because she's a great person, and I'd miss her friendship.

And I got a new job at my work, for 50% more pay! Education rocks!

Let me explain. I left school at 16. Started working. After a few years I looked around. and was that I was doing the same job as a 50yo, and a 65yo. So, no promotion prospects. An other job came up, but I didn't have the schooling to go it. So I went back to school during the day, while I worked nights. 5 years later of part time schooling, I got my degree. (NZCEMech razz lastics) Now I'm on a good rate, just because of my education. If I had gone on to that corse straight after school, it would have taken me 2 years, not 5!

Anything else of import? Not really, just have a Merry Xmas or a Happy Hanukah! *hugs* biggrin

A few weekends ago, I spent 7 hours in a car with my ex going down to an event. (Car pooling)
Tented next to her. (We tented in a club group)
Ate near her. (We were seated in a club group)
Slept near her. (see above)
Spent 1 1/2 days in the marque with her. (It was raining hard for most of the holiday weekend)
Spent 8 hours on the drive back in the same car as her. (Car pooling again)

After this, I felt rather down, and posted a rather downbeat journal message.

I had hoped for a long weekend away with eating, drinking, and making merry.
I ended up just closing in on myself.

I wanted to chat up a girl or two (well, lots caught my eye, but most I knew to be attached. rolleyes ), but it was hard for me to do with my ex sitting just yards away!

I know that eventually I'll find someone, and be happy with them, but it was so hard to try with R sitting just over there.

I'm going to die. Alone. Not a good day.

I'm an unrepentant LARPer.

Sometimes the Media gets us wrong. Sometimes accidently, sometime on purpose, as sensationalism sells.

We aren't deluded, devil worshiping baby killers, who were abused as children.

We are people who play "Cops and Robbers", but aren't 5 anymore. We have a set of rule to play within, and can still tell the differance between right and wrong.

This weekend past, I played "Dr Varteron", and antiquarian from miskatonic Uni. The game was set in the fictional world of H P Lovecraft's creation. lovecraft is a good read, and it's fun to imagine yourself in the main characters place. Some of his stories are about people who see the horrific, or are the horrific abd find out, or about the fact that while we think we're important, we're still standing on a small ball of rock, that wizzes around in an absolutely huge universe. To think that we're alone, powerful, or even important is silly. One astroid, comet, Alien ijnvasion, and we're done for. Could we make a differance? We use set of rules as guide lines to see if we could. I didn't this time. I (Dr V that is) got hacked up into small peices and eaten by ghouls. Fortunately, he was made immortal a few games ago.

Yes, yes, yes. I NecroBoi am not immortal, and standing infront of a bus would kill me, but the character I play would be meerly inconvienienced. It's fun for me to play that aspect of my character.

Last weekend I had a lot of fun, and I am back at work this week, a little more tired, and a little more wiser in the way of Shub Niggurath (a fictional Diety in the HP Lovecraft world setting, NOT the Devil rolleyes ).

Well, went to a party on the weekend. At the Barracks. I had a panic attack, apparently. According to my flatmate who experiences these things. I just felt an upwelling of sadness. A feeling of not being able to face the people at the party. It may have had something to do with the fact that I've been a party with everyone there at least 5 times. neutral What was new? My ex was there also, and the girl I'd hoped to hook up with, but was now seeing a friend, as of a few months ago. Apparently they're going great. *sniff sniff*

So I took a walk, and got some food before going back. Still couldn't, so I sat outside for a while. People came out to talk to me, and a v pretty girl (yes, you read these on occasion, and you're v pretty) took me for a walk. that made me feel better. It's very hard to feel down when she's around. Did I mention that i had painted her Blue, as a Sith? It was a themed party.

We wet back to the party and I ended up in the kitchen helping hold the door shut while we scoffed 1/2 a choco cake! twisted Mmmmm choc cake, with melted choc for icing! With Sprinkles! Yummy! domokun We then let the others in, and let them rue the 1/2 empty plate before they had their peices. We went back for seconds too! twisted

I work nights.

I came home from an absolute pig of a night.

I tooled around for a bit, then had a hot bath with a (big) glass if wine. Woke up after sleeping for an hour in the bath. *prune* My book was rather wet on one corner.

I then went to bed at 11:00 am. Asleep at 11:30? Woke up 14 hour later at 01:30 am the next day. i was supposed to start at 11pm!!

Still, I guess I needed it. And the feeling of being sad has moved on. I'm a depressive, and it's cyclic for me. I've been on a downer for a few weeks. (2-3 months maybe?) I try not to infect others with my sadness, and can still have fun, but then default setting of my mood is sad instead on neutral. It's like, nothing going on, other people are neutral, I'm sad. Just a state of being.

Now, instead of feeling down when I've got nothing going on, I'm neutral. it feels easier to be happy, so I'll try something that will make me happy. Before it seemed like too much effort, but now it's not.

Off to do something good. In the words of Erin (flatmates girlfriend) Sqweee! whee

Well, I think I'm finally able to move on from my last relationship. She's doing well, and I'm no longer waking up in the middle of the day (I work nights) wondering where she is. I friend of hers said that she's doing well, and has another potential boyfriend on the horizon. I was a little jelous, but can now control it. I'm making progress.

Dropped a bundle on the marketplace. I just told Anjelkake that I have to Wordbump like the wind to get it back!

Why does life hurt so? Why the joy, and then why the sad? Balance? Well, I will just have to bite the bullet, and ask someone out an a date. sweatdrop

I'm going to fail a heap of times, but then, when someone says yes, it makes it all the more sweeter! After my last love drought, I asked N. out, and she said yes. But when she found out I ment a date, she freaked, and back peddled sooo fast. gonk Then there was J. Just laughed, a** if I was making a joke. Then stared in disbelief when she realised that I had been serious. eek She said no, and appologised, but it still stung. Finnaly there was R. She said yes, and a year later I was dumped for a book. (Well, actually I was dumped so she could concentrate on her studies.) It made me feel so small. That she felt that I couldn't give her space / support / time / etc really made me hurt. I don't blame her, but want to know how she thought that I couldn't give those. She had but say, and I would have reached for the heavens to fetch down stars on her whim. But dramallama I'm being over analitical for my own good.

Summary: It hurt to be dumped, made me question myself, getting over it. just like everyone else.

Well, had a good night being an NPC for a Mordavia game. It never ceases to amaze me the speed that player jump . . . no, LEAP to the wrong conclusion! It looks like a sheep, is in a paddock, and barks. No It's not a sheepdog, its a killer sheep sent by the forces of evil to overthrow the lord of Notrébolle. Hey you, I said so, therefore it must be true! Stop arguing with me! pillock. evil

Sheesh!, still it's amusing. biggrin