10 point
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the
day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of a ten point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to
steal Henry."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
IF
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful and ignore aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Left Handed
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to
take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all
night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted
this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes
you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that
Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Play it again
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the
den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his
ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the
violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the
floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play
something the dog doesn't know?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
School Play
Robert's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, the dad asked Robert if he got one.
Robert enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been
married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Messing with the Mob
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why did the Cookie go to the hospital?
It felt crummy.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?
To look for "Pooh".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Repair Kit
Dave was helping Buffy clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he
noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit".
Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Buffy what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Dave said, "I can see that, but why?"
Buffy replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my
tires."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Help!
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island
who is shouting and desperately
waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Passing Phony Checks
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony
check and took him down to the station. While the officers were
distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed
it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged
the guy with passing a bad check twice...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets
were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that
any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be
accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the
students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who
continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the
professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He
attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student
looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Big John
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The
owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on
running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big
John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes
running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for
your lives!!!"
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to
the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands,
"I want a beer NOW!!"
He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The
bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up
to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.
"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of
town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Two very bad brothers
There were two very bad brothers, and they were always making trouble.
One day their school burned down, and the parents knew that their two
sons had something to do with it. As a result the parents decided to
take the kids to church so they would learn about what is right. They
decided to take the younger child first. When the younger child went to
church the priest asked "Son do you know where God is?" the little boy got
scared. So the priest asked again but he was a little mad this time
"Son do you know where God is?" the kid is now really very scared. The
priest got even madder and asked "Son do you know where God is?" the kid
started to shake. The priest was now furious and he asked "Son do you
know where God is?" the kid got really scared and ran home. When he got
home he started to pack his bag and his older brother asked why he was
packing, the little boy replied "The church is missing God and they
think we took him!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Broken Seal
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bill Gates
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found
himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that
laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just
because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What
a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is
terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs
constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Dentist
Tom: "What made you leave the dentist's office?"
Ted: "I heard the assistant say to relax, it's only a tooth were
pullin'".
Tom: "Ok, so why didn't ya relax and get it pulled?"
Ted: "Cause she was talking to the dentist".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. To prove he wasn't chicken.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One hand
A young man and his girlfriend were driving along one day. He noticed
that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then she leant over and
whispered in his ear, "Can you drive using only one hand?"
"I sure can!" he grinned, thinking he was in luck.
"Good," she said, "then wipe your nose; it's running"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Your Problem
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out
to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the
young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in
every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do chickens think we taste like?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do people in China call their good plates?
<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do you call a male ladybug?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Stuck, huh?
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If you throw a cat out of a moving car, does it become kitty litter?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature
of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and
carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable
amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!" And the frog leaped.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can
jump."
The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log
book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog's legs and said: "JUMP!"And the frog leaped. The scientist quickly added to his logbook: "Frogs can jump with three legs."
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the
same routine, cutting off another of the frog's legs. As he was staring
at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"And the frog leaped. The scientist then added to his previous observations:"Frogs can jump with two legs."
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and
removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!" And the frog leaped. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his logbook: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already
thrilled by what new discoveries he might make.As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the
animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog's legs. He then said: "JUMP!"But alas the frog did not leap. "JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap. "JUMP!" yelled the scientist. The frog did not leap.
The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in his
logbook: "Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I reckon so
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant
puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the
man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought
you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my
ducks!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sure it does
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his
stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I
commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EclipseMoon Community Member 
|
|
