There are many things i want to say, but i'm afraid. I'm afraid that those things i want to say will come out wrong and in turn make things worse. Sometimes it's simply because i do not know how to say them.
I have all these thoughts in my mind some coherent, others not, but each one hurts to think about just as much as or more than the last. So I'm writing it out here and now and i'll speak what's on my mind as the thoughts come to me and hope that when you see this you'll understand that i just want to be honest and clear my mind to let you know what's really been going on with me and above all please don't be angry with me and please don't hate me....
around a month ago I looked through our MSN conversation history (I have nearly every conversation we've had saved on my computer as i have my msn set to save all my conversations. In the past when i've felt lonely or something i'd go back and read some of them and i'd feel better.) to try and find a specific date for when all of what i see going on between us started. I wonder if you've noticed what it is i'm about to say happening as well, because honestly I don't know what it is.
Something happened the day or the day following the time you asked me to join Mirandal. The conversations we once had together began to shorten or become non-existent all together. I think maybe that was the same time my guild had supposedly picked up in pace. Part of me thinks that maybe you saw a side of me you didn't like and it changed something between us. But i don't really know.
This lack of conversation continued for a year and is still continuing and for all that time i said nothing about it, hoping that maybe it would disappear or resolve itself but it didn't and with every passing month in that year it seemed to get worse.
It was like one day you were the sweetest nicest person who wanted to talk to me and made an effort to do so, and the next day it felt like i was being ignored or something, and because i love you i said nothing.
Some days because of the silence between us i didn't feel like coming online and hoping that that day would be a proper conversation day because every time i set myself up and it didn't happen i'd feel twice as crushed and i know part of it is my fault for being afraid. I'm afraid because i don't want to lose you, and now i fear, because of the fear i have of saying things even if they end up being stupid, that i am in fact losing you or have lost you already and it hurts so much to think those things. So i tell myself that it can't be true to make myself feel better and then a bit of doubt creeps in because i have no real assurance that it isn't true and i hurt twice as much.
I keep going on in silence hoping things will sort themselves out even now after i finally said something a few days after the anniversary of our confessing to each other that we loved each other. Part of me wondered and still wonders did you even remember what day that was when it came and went by? Part of my feels like you didn't and only remembered because i said something and i'm not going to lie it broke my heart a bit. I had been counting down the days growing so excited wondering if you remembered or if you were maybe going to say something but you didn't.
Only when i finally said something about the silence did we possibly have a proper conversation, in that conversation there was something that you said that then i thought nothing of, but recently have been thinking about. You said to me that you sometimes don't respond to me because you become distracted. I think about it now and am left with the questions "what is that supposed to mean? Am I that boring? Uninteresting? that you become distracted and can't take a minute to respond to me out of the hours and hours that have gone by, and then disappear without a word after those hours have gone by.
And i know sometimes i don't respond to you and i know I've said this several times before and i hate using it but it's the truth, i just a lot of the time simply don't know what to say and it hurts me that i can't find the words to say.
Valentine's day was coming up and i wanted to in a way make it up to you somehow if that was at all possible. But i also wanted you to have a gift and so i worked as hard as i could to write that poem and draw that picture of our avatars together in time for it. I really do hope you liked them and weren't just saying that you did.
and when you sent me that message here on gaia. I became overjoyed. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I was so happy, and hoped once again that maybe the things between us would get better. Once again they didn't.
Did you know that it had been nearly an entire month before you'd finally said goodnight and that you loved me before signing off for the night after Valentine's day? A whole month. It hurt me so much I felt like and still do feel like you don't love me anymore or at least not in the way you used to. To be quite honest, i probably wouldn't blame you if it were true. Given the fact that i feel like a failure and that i don't deserve you, and that you deserve someone better than me. It hurts so much to think things like that when i can't imagine you not in my life and when i love you so much, so much so that I do truly want to spend the rest of my life with you.
But at the same time it feels like how can i think those types of things when you and i can barely have a conversation anymore? And it's starting to feel like "you say you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me but you have a strange way of showing it."
and then a day came and you asked me if i wanted to role play. you have no idea how happy it made me to know that you and I were doing something the two of us enjoy, together for the first time in a long time.
I know this is probably going to sound weird but bear with me. When you and I role played together it felt kind of like a date in way. We were both doing something together, more importantly something we both enjoy. We were both having fun, and we were both creating something, in my eyes, wonderful, continuing the story of these characters in my favorite anime of all time with an added twist to that story.
Something in me reignited, a feeling of closeness to you, a feeling i hadn't really had in a long time and i feel it was because of the things i mentioned above but also because right now role playing together is the one and only thing we can do together because of the distance between us.
During those few days you said goodnight and that you loved me every night. And i felt like i did when you first told me you love me and it finally felt like things were looking up and maybe they would change for the better.
But as quickly as that feeling came to me it went away again because we fell back into old habits.
We say hello to each other and utter a few mere words like acquaintances passing each other on a street or in a hallway. To me we just don't feel like a couple anymore and i don't even really know what it's supposed to feel like, but i know i can't be this. and i can hear in the back of my mind the "i told you so's" my parents and sister would more than likely say, because they still don't see us as a legitimate couple.
It's so hard for me right now. I feel like i have no one to talk to anymore. you were the only person i felt comfortable telling anything to but now i don't. not with the silence going on between us. It's like how can i know he's going to 100% truthfully respond or even pay attention or respond to me. How do i know at this moment he's not distracted by something else to be able to actually talk to him. It also makes me think why is he on msn if he's distracted? Why did he start talking to me in the first place if he's going to get distracted by something else. How can i talk to someone who's more than likely distracted by something?
You told me that I can tell you anything. Right now all of this is the the anything that i have to tell. I want you to know that the offer works both ways you can tell me anything, I want to get to know you more and better than i do now. And please if you are angry or upset with me at anytime please tell me. If i'm doing something wrong tell me. How else can i learn if I'm uninformed.
I do sincerely hope that you can understand where i am coming from with all i've said here. I just want to be honest and maybe finally but all of this behind us for good and start being the couple we once were one more time and from there last untill the end of time because i do want us to be together. I want us to be happy.
I love you forever and for always,
Christina
 Kahara Michiyo · Thu Apr 10, 2008 @ 06:46pm · 0 Comments |
