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Nobody does. But I'm not allowed to mope. The 111 doesn't like it--I'll bet that half of them think I'm a whiner and acting too young for my age anyway, and the rest probably think of me as a loveable fool.

I hate being left out. I hate being alone. But I've never known anything but that. People in real life will engage me in conversation, but I don't really know what to do next, and I lose a lot of friends because I'm bad at engaging them in conversation. I don't contact people. People on the internet do what I seem to--unless I do something, I am ignored. I am on almost constantly and people don't even notice me anymore, because I've become so
so
something. I don't even know what.
They don't contact me. (Except that sometimes they do.) People don't PM me on here (Dagger), or ask me how my story is going (Sarge) or
or
I'm going to cry.

It's my fault. I don't know how to interact. I've always been alone, just me and my sister against the world. People don't contact me because I don't contact them, because I isolate myself.

It hurts.





It hurts.









I cry and no one even knows because I don't tell them. I didn't tell anyone about my dad's second divorce. I didn't tell anyone that my aunt died from ALS. I don't tell people that I'm insecure and have bouts of existentialism stemming from my dad's first divorce when I was ten. Times where I just lie in bed and think that there is no point to living, because we're all going to die someday and I don't have enough motivation to go out and change the world.
The one thing I want to do most.

I don't want to seem like I'm whining and moping and being angsty.





So I tell you. I post it somewhere that people won't notice it; I pour my heart and soul out through the keyboard, figuratively bleeding through my fingertips into cyberspace. I want people to know, to see it and read it, and I know they will never find it.


It hurts.