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cryhela, pally, yso.
dra lahdanc uv so meva.
so meva.


and i like a girl with a mind of her own.


and i typed into the box of our IM window,
"so i can call you and hear your voice and your giggle when i make you laugh."
but then i deleted it,
and replaced it with a simple smiley face.


(This is the end.)
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.


i didn't want to get attached to you, amy. i didn't want these feelings again. and here they are, pouring back in. little sprinkles then waves.
i hate getting hurt. it feels like it's happening all over again.
i'm so weak and fragile when it comes to you.
i shouldn't have read your posts. i should have just kept playing the game. i should have just played along, happily, naive. i shouldn't have told you these things. i've messed the game up. it's not fun anymore; it's complicated and serious.

i love you.
god amy i love you. you have no idea.
i've cried over how much i loved you.
god, i've wanted you back so much that i've dreamed about it.
dreamed we'd be friends again.
dreamed you loved me again.
dreamed you wanted me again.

i hate how when we talk, i think you mean something else,
like you want me too, like you like me too,
because i want so bad for you to want me and love me.
but then i know you're with her,
and now i know she, or somebody, is going to win you over.
i wish it was me.
i wish to be the girl of your life.
i wish to be the one you grow old with.
i wish to be the one you come home to.
the one you kiss, and the one you love.
because i, i feel all of that, for you.

it's you because you make me feel this way.
it's you because you're irresistible.
it's you because we have so much fun.
it's you because you listen to me.
it's you because you get me.
it's you because you know how to ********.



i love you.
endlessly.
tremendously.
like no other.
if this was a movie, i'd be the girl that falls hardest for you.
i'm that girl that does everything for you.
i'm the one desperate for you.




i'd never let you go.
i haven't yet.


"i keep coming back for more."



don't tell me a thing.
i won't read your posts.
let me breathe blind.
i want to go back to when i didn't know.
when neither of us knew.
when it was just fun.
when it didn't hurt.


i should care more about the fact that i'm digging the world's biggest ******** hole.
i'm pushing my own a** in.
it's going to be a struggle to crawl back out.


okay, so.
the next person who complains about how i should be satisfied with a b is gonna get it.
universities don't settle for ******** 3.0s.
i'm not a college kid. i'm a ******** university kid.
i set my goals high.
i don't settle.
and where does that get me?
aim high, get in high places.
that gets me the success.
god.
i'm not average, okay?
i don't like not doing my best.
and when i do my best and i still get a b, then i'm happy.


but a lot of my friends are.
guess that's why it's hard to relate.


i've come to realize a very defined sense of self.
good,
and bad.




i wonder how you feel when you see this, too.
when you step into that dark world,
with icy fingers kniving at your heart.

this is my life.
i have to do this,
to move on.






i wonder how you feel when you see this, too.
when you step into that dark world,
with icy fingers kniving at your heart.

this is my life.
i have to do this,
to move on.

I tried to be nice, but ******** it.
You lie and you suck at it.
I can't stand to see your face.
Your name disgusts me.
You're a lying b***h.
You manipulate and push to get your way.
You can't accept things.
You're insecure and in denial about it.
You aren't badass and you aren't cool.
I don't know why I put up with you or forgave you.
You don't deserve it.
You don't deserve my time or care.
You're a whore.
My name doesn't deserve to come out of your mouth.
You can't compete with me.
I AM superior to you.
I'm glad I stood up to you and said no.



so this is what she said.
and she was only angry.
but it's just,
damn.
whoo, damn!
that's so like,
fiery in a way that gets me instigated,
and kinda creative in a way.
idk, kinda like a ********' gym class rap haha. (:
it almost feels good to be insulted,
because it just proves how much i know my own self. (:
and i like knowing who i am.
i take pride in it.
i love myself. (:




so, she wants a couple days.
she either:

wants to heal.
wants to grow.
wants to see that if my love transcends everything, maybe it's a sign.



i'm edging toward the two former.
kinda sucks. i always hated waiting.



okay, so.
i'm kind of really scared of being let down.


don't say the word hope.
god, i wish it was a promise.
i'd feel let down either way.

ugh. S:
/heartache.



now that you say that,
it really puts things into perspective.
now i'm scared.



proof:


you chose me over your best friend.

you cheated for me.
--after
i had cheated on you.




you forgave me.
for everything.
for the hells.
for my s**t.








you and i both need to grow.
for each other.



i kind of cling to that.



am i going to stay up for you again?
god, i do not want to do that lmfao.
i need and require sleep, and you take up so much of my homework time.

eh.
you're bad for me.
it so many ways more than that.
maybe it's part of what makes you irresistible.


'kay, what are you doing.
i miss you.


well, i hate s**t like that.
you know, i do.
too much of a reminder of.
still, i won't pay no mind, for you.


"E teth'd damm Ymaq.
Pid E fyhdat du res dryd E'ja aspnylat dra vyld dryd E sekrd aht ib uh so ufh vun dra nacd uv so meva.
Fedruid y cekhevelyhd udran.
Yht E tuh'd lyna yhosuna.
E't mega du ryja uha druikr."

pid rana e ys. e's rana.
e'ja paah rana, fedr ynsc ubah.

tuh'd pa cyt. tuh'd pameaja dra tuipdc. e's rana.
yht e't ymfyoc pa rana, vun oui. fyedehk, fuhtanehk.
ed'c cusadrehk dryd e ryja du meja fedr.
dryd pyddma uv ruba yht vayn.


et pa ouinc, yht hajan mad oui ku.
et pnayg yht mad oui payg sa ykyeh, yht ykyeh.
palyica dryd'c fryd ed ec. drec ec fryd ed ec.
ed'c muja.
ihtahoehk, nadyntat, muja.
muja yd edc pacd.

kut, drehkc e't tu vun oui.


e's cund uv dunh padfaah maddehk oui ku yht rumtehk uh.

drec vayn uv kaddehk rind ec cu lmelra,
pid,
pid ed'c cusadrehk e'ja hajan aqbaneahlat pavuna.
oui lyh yldiymmo -rind- sa.
yht drana'c yldiymmo dryd ruba.

e tuh'd ghuf.
e ymsucd fecr oui hajan kyja sa ruba.
e ymsucd fecr e zicd cdyoat fedr zacc yht mad sa meja so ufh meva, fedruid oui.
pid drah drana't pa dryd beala ymfyoc seccehk.
frydajan,
mega e cyet, drec ec fryd e ryja du taym fedr.
drec ev so meva.
oui'na so meva.
oui, pally, yht cryhela, yna so meva.

e tuh'd fyhd drec byeh.
e muja drec byeh.
e tuh'd fyhd drec byeh.
e muja drec byeh.
e ryda drec byeh.

drec ec fro oui clyna sa.
oui clyna sa cu pyt.

mad sa pa banvald.
mad sa maynh vun secdygac.
zicd fedr y pidduh, syga ed ayco. "lryhka."
e fyhd du pa dra uha vun oui.
e fyhd du pa ymm druca drehkc.
kut, e'ja ymfyoc fyhdat du pa dra uha vun oui.
pid e fyc cdippunh,
yht e hajan, ajan caa, yht naymewa, ihdem fa pnayg ib.
ed'c cu vilgat ib.



syopa draca lrymmahkac yna du bnuja cusadrehk.
bnuja ruf ahtinehk fa yna.

un syopa drao'na zicd cekhc dryd drec ech'd sayhd du pa.



kut, e't ryda dra myddan.


you make me hate myself.
myself.



when you cry,
your eyes kind of,
burn in the back.
and then your eyelids feel wetter with every blink.
your lips sob.



******** this.
back to the prayer. cling to the prayer.
it's the only thing i can depend on.


******** this.
i should let go.



maybe i will let go.
that will make all of this go away.


use those heart symbols, and other things that can be seen affectionate wisely.
they lead me on.


so, i want to make a point:

last year, anne would always be in shanice's business with me. she would get jealous,
and at one point, she wanted to beat me up, because it looked like me and shanice we're starting up again.
she just really liked shanice.
but the thing is,
shanice, and other people in my second period, kind of influenced me to not like her.
shanice had to deal with her constant proposals of going out and complained to me about it whenever it happened, which stretched from the months of january to around summer,
and dana and other people would talk about how they didn't like her, and how annoying she was.
i was neutral at first, but i ended up being influenced anyway.
and then,
that wanting to beat me up for no reason, that conflict, kind of finally defined my perspective of her.
she judged me, and did negative things that stimulated from her jealousy of my girlfriend at the time.
basically, we had kind of a tension last year.
i kind of don't like the girl.


but here's the thing.
look at it this way:
if anne had never dated amy, recently,
then,
shanice would never have had established ties to amy through her girlfriend/boyfriend,
and therefore,
there would not she would not create a conflict that was menial enough to force me to be drawn in,
causing me to instigate a conversation with amy to clarify that issue,
and from there,
light a fire that has been burning
since wednesday.


so basically,
anne did something for me.

just kind of really made some LOLs.




but in the end:
i know that i don't know anne.
so i really don't think anything negative of her.
all i know are the things that i was exposed to last year.



okay, one more thing one more thing.
she has a thing for the girls that i've dated.
shanice,
steph,
and now amy.
LOLLL.

idk.
pretty funny.


[21:37] distant_hana: I just want to sleep and cuddle



oh my god.
oh my god, omggg. =]
you drive me crazy.


i blame low grades on no one but myself.
but this time,
if i don't get that ******** notebook as a passing grade, it will be my mother's fault.
because she's too damn tired to take me.
but you know, fine. really.
just let me RIDE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, SO I -CAN-.
i care about my grade, mom, to the point where i stay after school to get help.
that's what i was doing.
and you got in the way of that.
just because you don't trust me with other people.
JUST because you don't trust me with other ******** people.
well ******** it, mom,
i'm in the ******** national honor society. 4.0 gpa. universities looking at me. college classes already. i'm on a way to success. i'm going somewhere. i'm gorgeous, healthy, secure, happy.
i've established amazing friendships and relationships, with other people, and myself.
and that's something that's really, really valuable.
so many teenagers are still immature. still haven't felt and done things. still feel anxious and unsure about themselves. still aren't disciplined to make successful choices.
i've come so far, and you don't realize it.
i'm a teenager, but i'm not a kid.
my mind and soul has grown so big, and have surpassed so many horizons.
i'm young,
but i'm so grown.

i smoke, i've had sex,
i've had girlfriends, i'm gay,
i cuss, i skip things, i prioritize differently, i drink,
i associate with 'the wrong crowd', i have older friends,
i have guy friends, i stay out past sunset, i spend the nights at other people's houses,
i have liberal tendencies, i don't believe in catholicism.
******** deal with it.
this is what i do.
i do things you don't like,
but they work. i work.
because look at the person i am. look where i'm going.

you think you're protecting me,
and you are,
sometimes.
most of the time, you're not.
most of the time, you're just in the way of me spreading my wings.



were you right, or was i wrong?



just look
at the way she looks at you.
and then look,
at the way she looks at
me.



my heart wants to sing.



that's the -only- time i see her in school.
******** deal with ittt. (:




so. sleep benefits you. you brain, how you process information, your hormones, yadda yadda yadda.
but if i had one wish like right now,
OTHER THAN THE MOST OBVIOUS ONE LOL,
would be to physiologically bypass that with no consequence,
and never feel sleepy again.
because i swear to god, i'd be so damn productive if i just never fell asleep.



bands that stay in touch with/care about their fans earn my respect.
'cause i won't give a ******** if you're just a self-righteous bunch of assholes.
where's the genuinity in a band that doesn't have that?
idk. just my own perspective.
music is something that really changes people's worlds, and themselves.
it's just something that's tender and pieces people together, and should be just,
idk. personal. yeah, music is personal.
it should be put on a higher level than just... selling records.
there's so much depth to it.
and then you don't care?
/mentally inept at describing this.



******** YOU.
******** YOU.
no.
no.
i will never ******** listen to that s**t.
and if you ever say it to my face, i will slap you one, right there.

******** you.
******** you.
how dare you say that.
she's way to sensitive for you to ******** say that.



you don't even know -s**t- to say that.



i'm true to you, and only you.
there's no other in the world, and never will be.
i meant it the day you laid next to me,
and i told you the words to the question, "yes.",

and i've meant it ever since.

there's no one but you.
there's no one that could give me what you can.
just look at what's happened.
we leave,
and i find a girl that satisfies my standards.
but in the end, it's you that i need.
my heart yearns for amy.
nothing comes between that.



cheating.
lying.
hiding.

never again.
and hasn't been so
since our
july.

i've learned.
believe me, when i say that i'll be true.



teach me to be what you need me to be.
teach me to show you that i'm not the enemy.
teach me how i can heal you.
i'll do anything.



story of my ******** life.
this girl.
three years.
open and close.
feel and run.
over,
and over.


story of my life.



...it's on the side of beauty, actually.
the passion, the love.
it's something i'd never change.
so you wouldn't see my complaining about it.


makes me real.
makes me human.
makes me high.