...I MEAN COMPLETELY EXPECTED.
Uncertainty clogs my mind and mixes with the sorrow in the back to create a swirling black hole of unwanted negative emotions that cause me to question the people I've known as my friends and family. Am I really meant to exist? Do they really care? I couldn't say as much. I have no proof, no evidence that all the people around me really care. There have been flimsy claims of them all loving me, but I know that's a solid lie. My stomach is twisting and with every drop of rain that hits the windowsill my stomach makes another sharp turn. There's pain everywhere and I'm utterly confused. Was all this here before, this mess of emotions? Am I really feeling this, or perhaps my world has just been warped and somebody far away on another planet is controlling me. I don't know. My stomach says otherwise. I am in an incredibly upset mood, though I am not grumpy. She wouldn't know. Especially her. I try not to tell her anything, because everything has to do with her. She doesn't act like she cares. Neither does she. Or the other girl. Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they're sick of my twisting and turning emotions and they don't understand the struggles I've had to put up with within my own body. I'm a jealous person. I'm envious. I'm in need of severe attention. I've had such a great epiphany it brought me to the brink of tears. I am upset. I know why I am upset. I am upset because the people I care about most do not care for me back. If they do, they do not show it at all. I am not allowed to touch, to speak when they are, to do anything with anybody. I am not allowed to show my emotions because they are far beyond my control. Perhaps when around them I will not speak at all, and if or when I do, it will be a bland, short sentence, perhaps just a single word. Knowing why I am unhappy makes me even unhappier, which only leads to her to try to toss all her optimism onto my shoulders. The way she is always perky and disacknowledges my emotions really makes me mad. I suppose I can go overboard and take things too seriously, too literally. I suppose I am just a dunce who cannot get through this world by herself unless I am holding someone's hand every step of the way. I suppose I am stupid. I am dumb. I am useless and I am the least most important person on this planet. I have conflicting emotions and blend well with nobody. I cannot say nobody understands because I do not explain these things to them. I couldn't care less who reads this because sooner or later, all of this will come pouring out. I will sum up. I am a stupid, dumb, useless dunce who cannot get through this world. I cannot pronounce anything right, and I and as far away from perfection as possible. The way I try to show my smartness by beating others is merely proving how dumb I am, that I must beat somebody else to prove my own intelligence. I cannot use big words, though I know many, because I know not how to use them, only what they mean. Unconventional. That is a large word, and I love it. But I can't use that in a sentence. I have no idea what it means. Onomatopoeia, I cannot spell that word unless I take my time and type every letter individually while saying it. O. N. O. M. A. T. O. P. O. E. I. A. That is beside the point. Onomatopoeia is a word that means the noise that something makes and to use it to describe it. For instance, "The pig goes 'oink!'." That is onomatopoeia. But I cannot use that in everyday sentence. There's never a need to tell what noise something makes and describe that something with that noise, especially while saying the actual word "onomatopoeia". I'm a failure. I push myself to my limits and then proceed to fail. I tell my father that I am trying my best but he does not believe I am until I have straight A's and I am at the top of all my classes, so I do that. But that is far from my best. I would say that is my worst. To reach that goal I bested several people, proved I was smarter than them which in turn proved I was dumb. I suppose I have brought together all the strings of my thought and tied them into one defying knot which of course, will come undone, because I am not good at knot-tying. I am not good at anything, though I tell myself I am because I have self-confidence thinner than paper. I have no good qualities and there is nothing anybody can tell me to make me think different. Because I am who I am, and that is a failure, a stupid, dumb, useless dunce. A person who always needs to hold somebody's hand. A person who needs to be told every day that she is loved, that everybody loves her, and then shown proof. And nobody cares to show me proof, so I will care to think that they do not love me.
Uncertainty clogs my mind and mixes with the sorrow in the back to create a swirling black hole of unwanted negative emotions that cause me to question the people I've known as my friends and family. Am I really meant to exist? Do they really care? I couldn't say as much. I have no proof, no evidence that all the people around me really care. There have been flimsy claims of them all loving me, but I know that's a solid lie. My stomach is twisting and with every drop of rain that hits the windowsill my stomach makes another sharp turn. There's pain everywhere and I'm utterly confused. Was all this here before, this mess of emotions? Am I really feeling this, or perhaps my world has just been warped and somebody far away on another planet is controlling me. I don't know. My stomach says otherwise. I am in an incredibly upset mood, though I am not grumpy. She wouldn't know. Especially her. I try not to tell her anything, because everything has to do with her. She doesn't act like she cares. Neither does she. Or the other girl. Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they're sick of my twisting and turning emotions and they don't understand the struggles I've had to put up with within my own body. I'm a jealous person. I'm envious. I'm in need of severe attention. I've had such a great epiphany it brought me to the brink of tears. I am upset. I know why I am upset. I am upset because the people I care about most do not care for me back. If they do, they do not show it at all. I am not allowed to touch, to speak when they are, to do anything with anybody. I am not allowed to show my emotions because they are far beyond my control. Perhaps when around them I will not speak at all, and if or when I do, it will be a bland, short sentence, perhaps just a single word. Knowing why I am unhappy makes me even unhappier, which only leads to her to try to toss all her optimism onto my shoulders. The way she is always perky and disacknowledges my emotions really makes me mad. I suppose I can go overboard and take things too seriously, too literally. I suppose I am just a dunce who cannot get through this world by herself unless I am holding someone's hand every step of the way. I suppose I am stupid. I am dumb. I am useless and I am the least most important person on this planet. I have conflicting emotions and blend well with nobody. I cannot say nobody understands because I do not explain these things to them. I couldn't care less who reads this because sooner or later, all of this will come pouring out. I will sum up. I am a stupid, dumb, useless dunce who cannot get through this world. I cannot pronounce anything right, and I and as far away from perfection as possible. The way I try to show my smartness by beating others is merely proving how dumb I am, that I must beat somebody else to prove my own intelligence. I cannot use big words, though I know many, because I know not how to use them, only what they mean. Unconventional. That is a large word, and I love it. But I can't use that in a sentence. I have no idea what it means. Onomatopoeia, I cannot spell that word unless I take my time and type every letter individually while saying it. O. N. O. M. A. T. O. P. O. E. I. A. That is beside the point. Onomatopoeia is a word that means the noise that something makes and to use it to describe it. For instance, "The pig goes 'oink!'." That is onomatopoeia. But I cannot use that in everyday sentence. There's never a need to tell what noise something makes and describe that something with that noise, especially while saying the actual word "onomatopoeia". I'm a failure. I push myself to my limits and then proceed to fail. I tell my father that I am trying my best but he does not believe I am until I have straight A's and I am at the top of all my classes, so I do that. But that is far from my best. I would say that is my worst. To reach that goal I bested several people, proved I was smarter than them which in turn proved I was dumb. I suppose I have brought together all the strings of my thought and tied them into one defying knot which of course, will come undone, because I am not good at knot-tying. I am not good at anything, though I tell myself I am because I have self-confidence thinner than paper. I have no good qualities and there is nothing anybody can tell me to make me think different. Because I am who I am, and that is a failure, a stupid, dumb, useless dunce. A person who always needs to hold somebody's hand. A person who needs to be told every day that she is loved, that everybody loves her, and then shown proof. And nobody cares to show me proof, so I will care to think that they do not love me.
SONG LYRICS OF THE DAY: "I felt a love of such deafening weight, dangling from a ballustrade of shilly-shally. Overlooking infinity and this ecstasy, of you lying next to me. And in a peculiar way you clutched me by the shoulder, said 'Boy I barely know you...but would you marry me?' " -- Marry Me by Nightmare of You.
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