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Today was just crap to say the least....I went to the mass and watched my grandpa get buried but the thing was that they had put to much makeup on him and he just didn't look like him. His face was to streched but thats what kept me from cring as much as I would have, which im a little thankful for becuase I have to be strong and comfort my mother.

WTF? Im so sick and tired of this s**t sometimes, why is it only me that has to be the strong one for mom, didn't I spend a lot of time with him to? Didn't I actually help take care of him before he went to the hospital? Was I not allowed to breakdown becuase "only another girl can comfort her mother"?

Why couldn't and why didn't my ******** brothers come and give her a hug huh?

and then my b-day came back into mind...Im really still depressed about that...I mean I like to think that im not THAT greedy. Like I don't need a REALLY nice car, as long as it works, has seat belts, and at least a cd player, its fine by me. But my b-day is the one day I can be greedy (for attention mostly) A big smile on my face becuase I want everyone to know HEY ITS MY B-DAY! SO BE HAPPY! which is why I give them candy, so they CAN be happy. Is it also so hard to be surprised instead for once? huh? I just feel so bad about it...I really do...I mean to the point that I if I came back to school and my locker was decorated (becuase it wasn't on my real b-day and I still doubt it would be) I think/ almost know I would break down in tears of joy that I can feel a little more speical than I have been feeling the past weeks. That the fact that I feel like a piece of s**t matter to someone that much that they cared

Uhh I just felt horriable instead...and today I was listening to my I-pod and my cuz pulls out a I-pod touch. I was shocked and even more so when I learned that she just wanted it really bad so she got it. I look at my I-pod and think of how I had to beg for it and put cell phone messages on my parents cell phone saying I-pod plz? : ) and be a "good girl"

Now I know im lucky that I even have an i-pod and others would love to even have that, but im not those others o-k? Im just sayng how I felt at that moment. I didn't want an i-pod touch but seeing her have one like its no big deal just kind of crushed me ya know? like a kid getting the best present in the world (to him) then get sent to a rich kids house and seeing them have the same thing only 5X better

If that wasn't enough my cuz was shareing the bands she liked with me and my bro, which was cool and then it figures that she likes the stuff my brother likes or at least he can identify with, and he starts calling her cool and s**t. He gave her his approval... (at this point im cring right now typing this)

Did they know how much s**t I did and went through to get thier approval? To have a cool kid sister? FOR THEM TO TALK TO ME!?! I ******** STARTED TO WATCH DRAGON BALL Z WHEN I WAS LITTLE JUST SO I CAN HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT! I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW BUT I DID IT FOR THEM I DID IT FOR THIER APPROVAL!

I STARTED TO PLAY VIDO GAMES FOR THAT SAME REASON! I fell in love with playing them later on for my own enjoyment but I started it becuase I wanted to share something with them, to be able to say "hey did you get past that one guy on lv..." bla bla bla

So maybe...just maybe...they can say thats awsome or smile at me and actually mean it....I become more like a guy than girl to gain their approval over 10 years of my life and failed...but my cuz got thier approval in under 10 minutes

I fear sometimes in my heart and head that becuase I turned myself into more of a guy/girl that maybe ill never be the same again or maybe thats why guys don't like me like they do other girls....or why I can't connect with other girls when they start talking about thier weekends becuase they went and did stuff but I stood home and played video games



For the first time finally I just want to sob and its not even over the death of my family member...which again makes me feel like s**t....

They want me to be stong....but at this point Im already far from broken