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and today is one of those days that are just so much worse than others...

It started yesterday after I got to Marcie's house from Big Bear, which was sorta fun I guess, but I sorta ruined the fun of it all by continually thinking about Rebecca, and how much she would enjoy the snow if she was there.

well in any case I got home and I... I don't know, I was just sorta... sad...

So I just sat there and read Harry Potter, it took my mind off of her for a little while, but then my dad got mad at me for always having my nose in a book when i'm around family, and i'm supposed to be having fun with them instead of reading. So I took my nose out of the book and tried to distract myself from my sadness with interacting with my aunt&uncle-in-law who are actually unbelievably cool biggrin

We played some cardgames and board games and it distracted me for a while... but when 1 in the morning rolled around everyone was drunk and wanted to sleep.

and I was neither drunk nor tired... and with the resignation of my family I had nothing to distract me from my saddening thoughts...

I crawled into the little patch of floor that was my bed, and stared at the ceiling trying to banish my thoughts of a girl who I was unable to lay with, of a life that calls to me from the deepest cracks of my heart, and I was at a loss as to how to quiet the internal screams of longing.

i fell asleep at around 4.

I was rudely awakened at around 7 to get up and eat...

they should know by now that I just am not hungry in the morning.

I got up and took a shower...

I thought about drinking all the shampoo and seeing what that would do to me.

I got out of the shower and got dressed.

by the time i went upstairs and opened up a pop-tart (not because I was hungry, but because my dad was yelling at me that I should eat something) I had said absolutely nothing to anyone.

mostly because I guessed that i would have screamed and broken down, and cried, if I had even opened my mouth for anything other than to silently shove pop-tart in there.

So now i sit here, on the verge of tears, feeling emo, and considering drinking the whole bottle of nyquil this time... Maybe if I do, I will just sleep until I can see her again...

I know anyone who even bothers to read my journals anymore is probly tired of reading my unending vocal vomit, but I suppose I just need to get it out somewhere...

I guess my box isn't as deep as I thought it was.

I think i might be running out of room in that box.

I've always been able to stuff whatever I felt like putting in that box and nothing ever even made a "thunk" as it hit the bottom, so I assumed it was bottomless.

but now, perhaps I am at the bottom...

it's been about a month since i've seen her... felt her hand in mine... held her face in my hands, felt the skip of my heart when she reaches out to me... felt the rush of blood to my face when she says that she loves me... I miss her... no, not really, I suppose if there were a word that conveyed how i feel right now, i would use it, but i'm afraid that either my diction in simply not that expansive, or the word has not been invented yet.

either way...

i'm depressed, and all I wanna do is sleep...