A large blast was heard in the distance, and both Silence and the Kusugari were blown back. Silence looked up to see one of the less impressive war machines his masters had made, comming to finish the job. It was simply 30 feet tall, with several cannons pointed forward and hovered for multiple terrain. There was a chirp from Silence's wrist and he was given the order to retreat. He bowed to the Kusugari, who bowed back. The Kusugari ran towards the machine to destroy it while Silence teleported back to base. When he got back, one of his masters was waiting for him."We require a field test of this new armour we developed, and we thought you would suit best for it."said the monolith, who gestured to a set of gray metal. Silence walked over, removed his hood, and put the helmet on, then the rest on, finally putting his old clothes over it. There was a deep glow as the seams of the armour turned an odd green to signal its computer was online. One of Silence's eyes was visible, an oddly shaped visor blocking the other from view. It was obviously designed for speed, as it had ridges and spikes pointed backwards looking like fins. One added feature was Silence could still use his longswords.
Silence suddenly flipped into the air, caught a pipe, did several complicated acrobatics, then jumped to the floor, his movment unimpeded by the armour, and if anything appeared to be faster. "Its fine. Thank you, master Teridax." said Silence before he went back to check the next mission 'The Boss' had for him, but his battle with the Kusugari wouldn't leave his mind. He was sure he would see him again, that mecha probably soon to be scrap. Its what I would have left it as...but is he right? Are we the same, just I am on the darker path?
Silence didn't want to know.
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Journal of Kusugari
I have a long story I plan on continuing every day. I hope you enjoy my writing, and I hope you can point out places that need improvement.
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User Comments: [2] [add]
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Nyang-chan Community Member 
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User Comments: [2] [add]
Community Member
However, what you are lacking is details, commas, and spacing. As for the details, you would like to describe who or whom is doing what, and maybe an introduction in the beginning. Like take Silence and Kusugari for example; I see these two names flipping outta nowhere neutral Who are they in terms of personality, physical description, --features! I'll give you a brief example of what I'm talking about:
Before: A breeze blown, and Bob had gone out of the door to enjoy it.
After: A swift breeze, carrying the sensual cooling temperature to its passing visitors, had blown past Sheery Avenue, as a green haired fellow made his way through the door to enjoy it.
You see how much of a difference it is just to add in a little special 'something'? It's that that ensures a better description, detailing, and a better read! ^^b
Now let's get to the commas, which are like the bullet to the gun when compared to details. It's the commas that pauses the reader's thoughts for a slight second, and it's from there where you'll be taking it from, be it an extra description, an off topic message, or just an additional cut to a run on sentence. I'll also give you an example of this:
Before: A breeze blown. Bob gone out of the door to enjoy it and he ran off to school and got hit by a bully.
After: A breeze blown, and Bob had gone of the door to enjoy it as he ran off, pacing as he done this, to school. He then got hit by a bully not that far away from his position.
You see how I connect the parts and detach the parts at the right time? It's all about using a certain limit of phrases, making sure that when there's a period that you'll be transitioning into a new set of phrases. With a little practice, you'll be able to find yourself your own limit of how many phrases to use.
Now off to the last and final suggestion: spacing.
Literally.
Spacing.
See how your words are all crunched up together in one place? Spacing is where it comes, boy! And using them to your advantage would bring out a deeper understanding of how each paragraph works; it separates the paragraphs in a way to transition the scene. Where's a space when you got no example? Well here's one:
Before: A breeze blown, as Bob got out of his door to enjoy it. "Wow, this breeze is good. I should probably get Emily to enjoy this too." He went off to his neighbor and rang the door. Emily came to answer the door and questioned him. "Why, hello. What brings you here today?" She asked. "Do you want to come out here to enjoy the summer breeze? It only comes once a day." "Sure."
After: A breeze blown, as Bob got out of his door to enjoy its basking whisk.
"Wow, this breeze is good. I should probably get Emily to enjoy this too." He then went off to his neighbor and rang the door. Emily came to answer the door and questioned him.
"Why, hello. What brings you here today?" She asked.
"Do you want to come out here to enjoy the summer breeze? It only comes once a day."
"Sure."
You see how it splits up the conversation and the little details? Dialogue is always the best example for spacing, and if you master it, you can also find the right timing for spacing in between details. It's all about practice!
Alright, enough of my little ranting. I've sent even worse rants in fanfiction.net and you, my friend, are lucky enough to receive a detailed one rather than a harsher one. I will hope that you will continue to improve, and God speed our writing skills.