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Dear Father,
Hello, it has been 17years since you passed away to this day. I have been alive for 17years, its sad. When people ask how long has your father been gone,i have to say the number and they go "oh im so sorry" and say all this stuff. But i never want to listen i dont want their pity or their words,i just want to be left alone. and i hate that they dont leave me alone..i just want them to stop speaking i dont want to hear their words, their sorries, their pity, their solemn apologizes for your death. if they were so sorry then they should shut up and leave me alone. they never notice the pain on me,the pain their words cause. i hate them,i just want to be alone with my pain. I am so sorry father i never wish you to die. I wish i could change it,i wish i could go back in time and let you live. You deserved to live! i ..i dont. i am willing to die, if it meant you live. for mom,amanda,and stephanie needed you. Im sorry you had to leave them behind i never wished that. i should have died that day, who would have cared!! if a baby died! no one would have..sure maybe for about a month if not less you all would mourn for my infant death...but you all would have gotten over it... you and mom would have stayed happy you could have even had another child,maybe a boy this time. so you could finally have the son you and mom wanted. when i saw that letter,it pained me. because your last months of life you had to deal with me,a crying girl. you never got a son!! and its my fault..i am such a failure....mom told me see only wanted a boy because she thought you wanted one she told me you were happy to have me..a girl..but i dont believe that..i have failed you! i am disgraceful!..i dont deserve your blood!!...im so terribly sorry...for 17years i have lived with this guilt..eating my insides..destorying me..everyday...the guilt..the pain..the sorrow...the loss...i just wanted a father..someone to love me....i wanted you in my life...i hated all the mocking events...like father's day...in school we always had to make things for our fathers..and it hurt so terribly much..when i was younger i used to break out and cry..and the teacher would take me out of the class room and ask whats wrong..whats wrong!!! whats wrong is i have no father!..i just wanted to scream that at her..but i couldnt her question just made it worest..i just wanted to run away and cry in a dark corner..but after a couple of minutes i was able to tell her the truth..that you were gone..and i saw this look in her eyes..that oh thats so sad..i saw the pity in them as well..i hate pity i dont want people to feel pity for me..i dont need it! i dont want people to care about me at all..i just wanted to be alone..for my entire life!! in the end the teacher made me go back in the class room and make the things for "my father" geesh...how cruel she was..why should i make things for a dead person!!..its not like i can unbury your casket and open it up and see your corpse body and hand you the things i made for you....how twisted would that be if i did that..gosh what she think i would do with them...cherish them!? cherish them for what!!? its not like i would ever have a father!!...so instead what did i do with them...nothing...for years nothing...some of them i throw out because i didnt want to see those awful objects...some i broke and then threw out...but then..some my mom took from me so we could give it to my god-father....geesh like he wanted them!!..he has kids of his own...why would he want my pathetic items for a father...it hurt when i gave them to him...i felt ashamed...not because he wasnt my father...but because i had to burden him with my stupid fatherless life!! ..im sorry father i have been burdening your best friend for 17years. for my god-father was your best friend wasnt he?..my whole life i hear stories of you two..and they hurt...dont get me wrong father..i love uncle Eddy (not my uncle,we arent even related)..but i felt guilty..guilty for giving him my love...when you should have had my love! im so sorry father im sorry i cant love you like i love him!!..im a horrible person...how can i say i dont love you...i want to so terribly say i love you father..but i cant..can i?! ..how can i honestly say i love you...? i dont even know you...i dont have memories of you...i know this your name is Albert Louis Faul..i think that is your middle name..but im not sure...im sorry if im wrong...you are ALF ...just like amanda..my sister her initals are ALF as well...just another thing she gets to share with you!..i know you loved the gaints..i wish mom let me watch football so i could have shared that love with you...but i still root for them to win...i know you drove for atlas van lines...i know you were very tall over then 6feet tall..i know you were dark,could tan easily...just like me..when i used to go outside in the sun...but to what i know about you...you had dark brown eyes and hair (like me)..you had to shop at big and tall stores for clothes...you liked to cook for barabque..but i dont know if you liked to cook besides that...i know you were good from what uncle george and uncle larry says...i know you were so extremly kind,nice,caring,friendly,sweet,and much more...i know your nickname was Tiny (a joke)..and thats it thats all i know about you...its not much...i wouldnt even know what you looked like if it wasnt for photos of you..all these things i know about you are because of stories people say when im around...and the truth is father i wish i didnt know anything...because it hurts to hear them talk about you..talk about their memories of you..how you was such a great guy to be around..so funny and nice...i just wish i got to have those memories....instead its blank....i dont know you...and i wish father i did...i missed out on you...i hated being born..why should i live just to have this pain for the rest of my laugh...i begged god for years to bring you back..back to them...for they needed you..i begged god to take my life and equal exchange for your life....mine for yours....i didnt need you father...i mean i did..but i could have wait to have you..but they needed you...mom,amanda,and stephanie...my cousins..my aunts and uncles..eddy...they needed you more then i did...if i died then it would be the same right? i wouldnt know you for years until you died then we could met..we could talk and be together...that way would have worked i would have been fine with it...because that way they would all have you longer and in the end i would have gotten to know you my father...but this way i never will...will i?...i know im going to hell..and from all i have heard about you father..your deffently in heaven....when i die now i will never know you....and that hurts so much..to live this life for what!? just to die and still not know my other half...if i died first as a baby then you would have lived..and i would be heaven probably an innocent baby would deffently be in heaven right? and you would still have been you and when you died i would wait by the gates for you..smiling awaiting to see my father for the first time....but this version will never happen..i cant change the past...no matter how i wish i could...im sorry father we shall never met..i wish so badly we could...but i have been a failure..i have cursed out god because i hate what he has done to everyone..how can god ever forgive me to let me in his heaven..just so i could see you for the first time....can you forgive me father? forgive me for ruining everything...destorying everything...being such a failure...doing awful things...i have been such a disappointment to you...you must be ashamed of me...to call me daughter....to have you blood run in my veins..im sorry to be such a hopeless pathetic disappointment to you father...i never wished to dishonor you....but i have....you must hate me....im sorry for saying all those words before...not knowing if i would have loved you my own father....people say its hard to love and lost...but its harder to lost and never loved...because you live the rest of your life wondering...what would it have been like...what would have happened...what if...you will never know anything...thats why i dont know if i would love you..i mean of course i love you your my father...but can i honestly say i love you...and i feel so guilty and ashamed to say this to you...im so terribly sorry father..i dont want to feel this way..i dont!!..i just want to know you!!..i want to love you and have memories of you!....but i never will...and it hurts so much...i remember one time i spent the whole day writing you this letter i was so excited i thought that it would be my way to finally talk to you...i wanted to write you this letter to show you i loved you..and i tied a string around it to make sure all the papers wouldnt be separated..i thought if i threw it up in the air..if timed it perfectly when a great wind came so that the wind would travel the letter all the way up to heaven where you were...and you would grab it and read it and smile and i thought maybe you would write something back..i was so happy that day...so navie...i ran outside on the porch..i was ready to throw it up when my mom grabs my arm saying something like "honey how about we put it on the table so he will see it and take it himself,because its not that windy out" and i thought she was right i trusted her words and judgement..i placed on the table with a rock so it wouldnt blow away so when you looked down on us you would see it and take it..the next day i ran outside to that table..and the letter was gone..and there was a feather on the floor..i thought maybe a bird grabbed it and flew to you and dropped it on your lap..i was so happy i believed so naviely this to be true...but as i grew older i realized..how foolish my childish mind was...that could not have happened...i had losted my faith...losted my hope...my hope that you loved me...i losted my innocence!!...i realized that my love for you was fake...that love i wrote in that long letter..wasnt true...i wish i had that letter though....wish i knew what i wrote on it...mom probably took it and threw it out and hid it somewhere...who knows what happened to it...i think i was 6 or 8 something like that when i wrote you that letter....its the only memory i really have about my childhood...but even that is very faded..a couple of years ago i found this thing i made when i was very young it was for chirstmas something like what do you wish your family to have...i forget what i put for amanda,mom,grandma,and stephanie..but for me..i put all i want is my father...so he can love us all again...reading my words stabbed a knife in my heart...how could i be so navie....santa cant give me you back can he?....i used to wish all the time for you...for my birthday my wish was always for you to come back or for me to go to you (meaning i would die)..i wanted death father..i wanted it for you...i wanted to die so i could met you..so i could love you...so i could hug you...so i could hear your voice..see your smile...feel your embrace with a hug...so i could kiss your cheek..like so many little girls do with their fathers....i would settle just to see your face for one second...i just needed to see you...when i was young i was so full of hope i believed anything..i was navie and gutable...in a way i still am...i guess...i used to pray all the time did you ever hear me pray to you father? i would pray and talk to you....i would always end good night and sweet dreams father,and i would say the others who passed..like grandpa (faul,your father..he died 2days after you the 9th)..and the rest...i couldnt wait to go to bed to pray to you father...but as the years passed away and more people/animals passed away...praying to you and them just got to hard...it would take me forever to finish it saying good night and sweet dreams to everyone..and i always felt like i was missing someone so i would start over hoping i got that person but i was never sure and it always made me so guilty to think i forgot someone...in the end i slowly stopped praying..im sorry father but it hurt to much to realize how much loss i and my family have been through...i just couldnt anymore....the pain was to much for my scared heart...im weak and im so sorry you have such a pathetic weak daughter..i wish i was strong like amanda and stephanie..they are so brave and outgoing...but im not im shy and weak and cautious...im sorry you have such a worthless daughter...im sorry i cant make you proud like they do to you..im so terribly sorry...im sorry for everything father..im sorry you died..im sorry i couldnt know you...im sorry i have such a lousy memory that i couldnt remember you...i had you for 4months and nothing to show for it...i cant remember a thing..i couldnt remember your voice, your smell, your arms holding me...i couldnt remember you...im sorry i couldnt...can you ever forgive father?...its my fault your dead...i kept you up at night probably with my crying like all babies do....i weaken your body father...its my fault your dead...that you died...if i was never born then you would have been stronger..then you would have fought the blood clot like the last time...but i weaken you...so you couldnt...i killed you...i killed my father....im so sorry....you can never forgive can you? and you shouldnt forgive me...i mudered you...im so terribly sorry father! im sorry..IM SO SOOOOOO SORRY!! i just wish i could bring you back so you could be here with them..be here for them....im sorry father....im sorry...


rest in peace father...i hope heaven is good to you....i hope you enjoy the company of all who are gone from our lives down here...i hope you got to met Tanner...he was a great dog to us...im sorry i..i had him as my false father...but he was there for me when i had no one...even my family...they dont get me..no one truely does...but Tanner understood me...he was there when i was sad and needed a hug....he comforted me when no one knew i was crying...when no one realizes the pain i feel everyday....when no one sees im broken...he did and he was what i imagined you would be for me...what i father would be for his broken daughter......im sorry im a failure to you and that im broken.....i hope when i die i will get to see you for that one second before im pulled down to hell.....i hope we get that second so i can have one memory of you...and i would cherish it for all eternity...for my entire death life...so i could love my father my true father finally....i truely hope we get that second....my father.....this will be the only hope i'll keep....for the others i have had in the past were navie and could never possible happen...but this...this might it might...who knows....what is after death....but if there is a hell and heaven...i know your in heaven...and im going to hell....but before i do....please wait by heaven's gate....for me...for my dark shadow...so i can meet you for the first true time....i'll smile to you and wave...before im dragged to my hell....please hope as well that we can have our first and final second together......what a happy and sad hope....but still i do hope it will happen....







writer's note:
..........i cried the whole time writing this....i dont know if it makes sence for my eyes are so blurry...but i doubt anyone will read this...its for my father...today was the day he died..17years ago....i love you father..but i dont know truely...and im sorry for that..........