my pain runs deep in me..
i cant run away from it because it is inside me..
if i run from it the pain will always follow..
we are united..entwain with each other...for forever...
i needed to express the pain..needed to honor it you could say..
my way for doing this..was by taking a sharp object...
i placed it on my right arm..and softly craved two words into it...
"kill me"
just two simple words....but it wasnt deep it barely bleed...
after a week it faded...but i needed it back...so i retraced the words again onto my arm...
however this time it didnt come out like the first...
oh how the first time it was more beautifully written...
the second time was awful...my pain didnt deserve the horribly written words...
i know whoever reads this might think im crazy for saying this..commiting my crimes...
my sins..
but i have to..a power is forcing me to write this..
i must tell my tale....for some reason...
the second time i craved the words into my arm i made sure the pressure was stronger...causing it to go deeper..
it took about two weeks to heal...though i could still see it slightly...
it annoyied me..had to make it fresh again...needed to...my pain called me...called me to cause more...to make more...
so i did...and this time it was the deepest i loved it...blood spilled from it....
this was months ago...and still the words still linger on my flesh...
but before i get ahead of myself i must speak of my other arm..the left one..
this one seemed so plain to me...so bare...and so tempting...it was calling me...the veins were calling me...to cut words into it...
the desire to cause more pain..the desire to honor my pain..to reflect on my pain...
to show im not innocent..to show im not good..and happy..and whole...
to show that im broken and decaying and dieing..and so much...so much people cant see..so much people dont know...
you see a person and think they are fine..they dont say they are hurting...they are quiet...
but this quiet can be calling..and screaming out "help me!...im dieing and i cant stop it...please help..."
this is how i was...am...
so i took matters to myself...i wanted my outer flesh to be marked like my insides were..with scars of pain and sorrow...
so i put this on my outer flesh...with "kill me"...
then i craved softly the words "hopeless life"...but hated it...
it made me disgusted...because the letters were craved slanted...and the un-neatness..just made me sick..
sick that i did this..sick that it wasnt good enough to be craved a second time...
so i waited till it was faded...to crave new words on the left arm...
this time "dead inside"..it pleased me..the letters were neat..but when i looked at the arm i still saw the fragments of earlier disgust..meaning the first try on my left arm..those words..
in time i didnt see it anymore...by then i had re-craved the words "dead inside" about two more times..now it was just as deep if not deeper then "kill me"....
oh how i enjoyed retracing my sins...though it pleased me...it also disgusted me more....
making me see how horrid i am....how corrupt...how much sin i carry...
that i had to crave words into me...how disgraceful i am...
how pathetic....what a monster i had become...
so when i traced my fingers on the words...on each letter....i felt happy to have done this...but guilty...and ashamed...so i stopped...i stopped with the words...
and decided to head back to where i first started...at my wrists...
i kept slicing lines into it...but not going to deep to cut the vein...
oh but how tempted i was to cut the vein...to watch so much blood pour out of me...
dont get me wrong when i cut my wrists blood came but not as much as if i cut deeper into it...
but this to ashamed me...made me overcome with guilt....
i knew i could never kill myself...thats why i put "kill me" for i wanted someone else to...
and "dead inside" is just how i feel...or how i want to feel...because if i was dead truely inside wouldnt i feel nothing then?...
wouldnt i truely be an empty vessel...?
a souless girl...walking emtpy halls...
but i am souless...in a way....im lossing my hope...my reason for everything....
though someone has lit something inside me...sparked something that has been dark for so long..dead for so long...is now coming back to life..
because of this person...
but can he save me...?
i dont know....the other day i stared at my arms...and i noticed they are fading...
my sins...my pain written on my flesh...is fading...fading back inside me...
fading back into the core of all my pain...
it has sadden me..to stare at my arms..and see that i can barely read those words...
i miss them...how disgusting am i..to miss such a thing...
to miss my crimes of sin...
to miss my acts of pain...
to miss the craved words...and cut lines..
i am tempted to grab something sharp and re-trace them again..re-trace the almost faded words....
all i can really see is.."de......" and ".......me" .....
but sometimes when i catch the light just right i can see what was...
"dead inside" .... "kill me".....
i have to hit my arm to drop the sharp object....for should i really re-do what i have done...?
should i make the same crimes again..?
commit the same sins..?
i dont know...im fighting not to do it again...but oh how much simpler would it be to just give in...
give in to the sin...
to give in..
i cant run away from it because it is inside me..
if i run from it the pain will always follow..
we are united..entwain with each other...for forever...
i needed to express the pain..needed to honor it you could say..
my way for doing this..was by taking a sharp object...
i placed it on my right arm..and softly craved two words into it...
"kill me"
just two simple words....but it wasnt deep it barely bleed...
after a week it faded...but i needed it back...so i retraced the words again onto my arm...
however this time it didnt come out like the first...
oh how the first time it was more beautifully written...
the second time was awful...my pain didnt deserve the horribly written words...
i know whoever reads this might think im crazy for saying this..commiting my crimes...
my sins..
but i have to..a power is forcing me to write this..
i must tell my tale....for some reason...
the second time i craved the words into my arm i made sure the pressure was stronger...causing it to go deeper..
it took about two weeks to heal...though i could still see it slightly...
it annoyied me..had to make it fresh again...needed to...my pain called me...called me to cause more...to make more...
so i did...and this time it was the deepest i loved it...blood spilled from it....
this was months ago...and still the words still linger on my flesh...
but before i get ahead of myself i must speak of my other arm..the left one..
this one seemed so plain to me...so bare...and so tempting...it was calling me...the veins were calling me...to cut words into it...
the desire to cause more pain..the desire to honor my pain..to reflect on my pain...
to show im not innocent..to show im not good..and happy..and whole...
to show that im broken and decaying and dieing..and so much...so much people cant see..so much people dont know...
you see a person and think they are fine..they dont say they are hurting...they are quiet...
but this quiet can be calling..and screaming out "help me!...im dieing and i cant stop it...please help..."
this is how i was...am...
so i took matters to myself...i wanted my outer flesh to be marked like my insides were..with scars of pain and sorrow...
so i put this on my outer flesh...with "kill me"...
then i craved softly the words "hopeless life"...but hated it...
it made me disgusted...because the letters were craved slanted...and the un-neatness..just made me sick..
sick that i did this..sick that it wasnt good enough to be craved a second time...
so i waited till it was faded...to crave new words on the left arm...
this time "dead inside"..it pleased me..the letters were neat..but when i looked at the arm i still saw the fragments of earlier disgust..meaning the first try on my left arm..those words..
in time i didnt see it anymore...by then i had re-craved the words "dead inside" about two more times..now it was just as deep if not deeper then "kill me"....
oh how i enjoyed retracing my sins...though it pleased me...it also disgusted me more....
making me see how horrid i am....how corrupt...how much sin i carry...
that i had to crave words into me...how disgraceful i am...
how pathetic....what a monster i had become...
so when i traced my fingers on the words...on each letter....i felt happy to have done this...but guilty...and ashamed...so i stopped...i stopped with the words...
and decided to head back to where i first started...at my wrists...
i kept slicing lines into it...but not going to deep to cut the vein...
oh but how tempted i was to cut the vein...to watch so much blood pour out of me...
dont get me wrong when i cut my wrists blood came but not as much as if i cut deeper into it...
but this to ashamed me...made me overcome with guilt....
i knew i could never kill myself...thats why i put "kill me" for i wanted someone else to...
and "dead inside" is just how i feel...or how i want to feel...because if i was dead truely inside wouldnt i feel nothing then?...
wouldnt i truely be an empty vessel...?
a souless girl...walking emtpy halls...
but i am souless...in a way....im lossing my hope...my reason for everything....
though someone has lit something inside me...sparked something that has been dark for so long..dead for so long...is now coming back to life..
because of this person...
but can he save me...?
i dont know....the other day i stared at my arms...and i noticed they are fading...
my sins...my pain written on my flesh...is fading...fading back inside me...
fading back into the core of all my pain...
it has sadden me..to stare at my arms..and see that i can barely read those words...
i miss them...how disgusting am i..to miss such a thing...
to miss my crimes of sin...
to miss my acts of pain...
to miss the craved words...and cut lines..
i am tempted to grab something sharp and re-trace them again..re-trace the almost faded words....
all i can really see is.."de......" and ".......me" .....
but sometimes when i catch the light just right i can see what was...
"dead inside" .... "kill me".....
i have to hit my arm to drop the sharp object....for should i really re-do what i have done...?
should i make the same crimes again..?
commit the same sins..?
i dont know...im fighting not to do it again...but oh how much simpler would it be to just give in...
give in to the sin...
to give in..
writer's note:
..cant really say anything now can i....oh yeah once i figure out how to get my photos on here..i will place the pictures i took of my arms..with the words on them..oh dang i just realized i never took a picture of "dead inside" now i feel like re-tracing the words.....oh well....oh yeah i took a picture were i laid my pocket knife on my arm next to the words...its a shame that the knife is to dull to cut into me....why did i have to use it to cut metal...for now its useless....oh well...
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