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To the one I care most about...... |
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Hey, well there’s a lot going on in my head and I’m not quite sure where to start. Everything’s connected and mixed and some of it is hard to explain, especially since I don’t understand it all. Things keep getting added to it, little things people say, the mistakes I make and so on. I’ll do my best to make things make sense, I’ll use analogies if I have to anything to help myself understand and anyone who reads this.
First off, I’d like to say I’m sorry for a lot of things; to start with I’m sorry for being silent on MSN lately. It seems recently that it’s to the point where I don’t know what to say a lot of the time. I feel like a terrible person because of that. I don’t want to say “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say” every single time, I could fill an entire conversation with that if I did; I do try to find something to say but then hours go by and then you go offline and it’s too late. I remember days when we would talk for hours on end. I didn’t have this problem then; So I don’t know why I do now. I know a lot of the time I don’t want to end up saying something stupid, I know I’ve done that a couple times already. But that can’t be the only reason for my silence, and if it is the reason I feel even worse about being so quiet.
I guess the next thing to talk about would be what my signature says. “I sometimes feel like if I die, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone miss me?” I don’t know why I put that there. When I was thinking about things that just appeared in my head and it just stuck, like a song you listen to too many times and then it’s stuck in your mind and it keeps playing over and over again and then out of nowhere it stops, and you don’t notice. It’s not the first time such thoughts have entered my mind. They’ve never really left, they’ve always been there, ever since grade four or five, when I first thought about suicide. The thoughts were pushed away because I was getting better. Why they’ve resurfaced now, I don’t know. I’m not that way anymore, I don’t want to die anymore. I’m afraid of dying. I don’t want to die ever, I don’t want to not exist here, even though I hate how pain-filled this world is I want to be here, during all the changes it’ll face. I want to see it and experience it, not just watch it happening somewhere else, but I know that’s asking for the impossible. I’m mostly afraid of dying before I’m able to do all the things I want to do in this life. I want to help people, through music or any other way I can. I want to visit another country; I believe that any one person can change the world somehow, I want to be one of those “any one person.” On a more realistic scale, I want to get married someday, have children, be a mother and watch my children grow up, and be there for them when they need someone to talk to, like I do now. Most importantly I want to be with you.
And maybe all of that has nothing to do with why I have that in my signature, maybe I’m slipping again, but I don’t know why. Why would I be slipping when you’ve given me the only thing in this world I’ve ever wanted that doesn’t have a physical form? Love. Someone to love, and someone who loves me in return. So why would I be slipping when I have all of that? I feel terrible for sharing all of this with you, you don’t need all of this on your mind; I just need someone to talk to, and you’re the only one I can, there’s no one else. I think I’m being pretty selfish.
I’ve always been told “Christina you’re too self-centered why don’t you think of someone other than yourself” and so I do, I think of everyone else, I’m always thinking of the world, and how I’d like to change it somehow, and help other people, I just hide it all deep within. Then I become too focused on the world’s problems . . . that I forget my own, and then I can’t take it anymore and become like I am now. Unsure of everything, out of it, confused, in pain.
So why are you the only one I can tell all of this too. Well, I can’t tell my best friend, I haven’t heard from her since she left. I don’t know if she’s been online lately. I know she hasn’t replied to the pms I sent a month or so ago. It hurt a lot. But she has her own problems to deal with. So she wouldn’t have time for mine, and I don’t want her to have more on her mind than she needs.
I can’t tell my parents. They’d just cart me off to some psychologist whom I won’t talk to in the first place. But even if I did, they’d probably just classify me as some sort of depressed person and then I’ll be put on some sort of medication that’s supposed to “help” me with this “problem” of mine. Maybe I do have some sort of mental problem that can only be “fixed” with professional help, and maybe I’m just in denial of it all because I don’t want to be labeled as some crazy person, because I’m not crazy. I’m just me, this, all of this is a part of me.
And maybe my parents are the cause of all this. They haven’t been the most supportive people, mostly in the department of you and me. I haven’t even told you what my dad said to me Sunday night ( January 7th) while at supper in a conversation my mom started; since I’ve mentioned it, I’ll have to explain. I had originally intended to just ignore all of it and pretend it didn’t happen but I can’t.
Somehow you were brought into the conversation, both my parents rolled their eyes at what “we think we have” My dad still doesn’t think that two people can love each other without having met each other first. “Because people can be different online than they really are offline” Like they can’t do that offline in the first place. On Sunday night it was worse though. He said to me “Don’t hold your breath [about him]” and I said “and why not?” “He hasn’t met you. “ I rolled my eyes and glared at him. He doesn’t have the same faith I do in people. Maybe I’m naive that way. But is that such a bad thing? To have faith in people?
He then dared to say this “I’ll just say this if someone at the University shows interest in you don’t brush them off just because of him” Had I been at home I would have started yelling at him for saying such a thing. But I wasn’t, I was in a public place. He says people are untrue online. And yet he dares to tell me to be exactly like that.
I would never ever do that to you. I love you and only you. I don’t say that idly. I don’t say it because it’s something to say. I say it because I mean it. Because I do love you, more than anything in this world. I would give up everything just so I could be with you. Just having you in my life is all I could ever ask for, from you or from God. You’re such a wonderful person, and I feel I don’t deserve to have you in my life and you don’t need someone like me in your life. A walking time-bomb for an emotional breakdown, someone with all these problems that keep reappearing.
But you love me, and I don’t understand why. Why do you love me? What can you possibly see in me? I know I shouldn’t question it, but I don’t understand, and maybe I’m not supposed, maybe that’s the whole point. But I’m such a mess and a wreck, I have nothing to offer, I have all these useless skills, I don’t know how to cook a whole lot of things, or clean, or how to be a decent human being most of the time. So what is there about me that can be loved?
My mind sometimes says to me “Let him go. Maybe he needs someone who’s closer to his own age; or at least someone more stable.” My heart says “but I love him, and he loves me, having him in my life is one of the only things keeping me grounded and it would hurt too much to not have him in my life. I can’t picture my life without him in it.” I start crying whenever my mind wanders to those thoughts, and in my heart I feel literal pain, like the beginning of it shattering, or a small dagger piercing it, and I’m causing the pain. Me. I’m inflicting pain on myself.
You and my faith in God to make everything work out, to help me prove to my parents that what we have is real, and to help me get better so I’m not this mental and emotional wreck, are the only things keeping me grounded in this tornado my life is turning into.
And I may have said too much in all of this. This entire thing in itself may have been too much. I’m really sorry about that. I just don’t know what to do, I had to get it out. I don’t even know if you’ll read this. It hurt too much to keep it inside.
I’m sorry for all of this.
I just want you to know, I will do everything in my power to be with you, I love you too much to give up on us. I won’t ever give up. That’s my one and only strength. I never give up. I won’t give up on myself, you or the people of this world. I will get better I promise you that. I want to be able to make you happy. I want to be everything you’ll ever need or want. I love you, with the deepest sincerity of my heart and soul. Please don’t ever forget that.
 Kahara Michiyo · Wed Jan 10, 2007 @ 02:21am · 0 Comments |
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