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today just wasn't a good day for me. lately, i haven't been able to sleep soundly..yet again [just like last summer]. i'm not sure what's keeping me up through the nights, and i'm not sure i want to know. so, needless to say, i was dead tired and half-awake throughout this entire sunday.

as planned, i went to san jose today, to visit my grandmother. what my sister failed to mention..was the fact that my grandma is bed-ridden, and tremendously ill. i had a bad feeling walking towards and into the hospital. and when i saw my grandma, i couldn't do anything except stand there and stare. i was asked to sit, but i couldn't. a chair was offered, but i couldn't sit down.

as i stand there and watch, i saw for the first time how frail and fragile she looked. her hair, a platinum gray. her body, a shriveled up corpse..a living corpse. her eyes, they turned black and distant. there, on the bed, was the woman i've always admired and honored. seeing her now, in this state, kind of killed me a bit inside. i think i felt this way because i can feel the pain that she was experiencing.

her hands..thin, trembling, and weak, were gripping against the rails of her bed. her eyes..closed, wincing in pain. there, on the bed, lies the woman who..till her death bed..was still worrying about the well-being of her sons, daughters, and grandchildren. i stood there, saw, and thought "death, please come soon and cease her sufferings..".

does this make me a horrible person? does wishing for my own grandmother's death a truly terrible sin? does it goes against all honor codes, filial pieties, and moral values?

i kept thinking this over and over after i left the room. i thought about it on the ride back. i thought about it during the family/friends gathering. i am thinking about it now.

i pretty much believe now that i did not think of anything bad when i thought about that certain thing. it's hard to explain, but i thought of it because my grandmother was in pain. she, herself, even said that if she had to choose between death and living, she'd very much choose death. i get this. i understood. her life, up till her collapse, has been fulfilling and full of meanings. now, it is finally time for her to depart. i get this, and so..i did not feel sad. yes, i did think about it throughout this whole day, but i was not sad.

this is what my grandma wants..death. i think that it's better if her pains just stop, so..i want death to come cease her sufferance. my greatest wish now is for her wish to be fulfilled. after she sees the last of her descendants, i want her to go peacefully.

my apologies. i just felt like writing this, tis all..