This is not good. I can't even go a full day anymore. This pain is too much. Maybe I should talk to her. Maybe she will respect what I need of her. I don't know. All I know is this is too much for me. I had to come home early today because of it.
Not a single word was said to me. I was in enough pain to break down and cry, but I didn't. I did not want anyone to see that. I wanted to cry so bad. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't laugh without hurting. All of this pain, what is it for? You knew I was in pain. I told you, and yet, you didn't do anything. You didn't ask if I was okay, you didn't see if there was anything you could do. Nothing. Just an exchange of faces. That's all I recieved from you today. Not even a "hello." when I walked in this morning. Nothing.
This pain is unlike anything else. It's enough to break a person down. And let me tell you, I've never been this broken in my life. My ends are frayed. My walls are shattered. My hope is gone. I have a hole. That's all, that's it. I'm at loss as to what to do now. You don't know how you feel about her or me. But you can tell her you love her without even the slightest hesistation, whenever she says it. When I say is all I get is an "ok" or "I know." Something I don't even get that. Sometimes I get nothing.
And yet she gets whatever she wants. I have to ask, I have to beg and plea and cry and fight for you to say it to me. All she has to do is say it.
Actions have always spoke louder then words. Always. You're actions are screaming while you words are a barely audible whisper. What do I follow? My heart, which is telling me to go for it? Or my brain, which is telling me to run away and never look back? When everyone else says "Who cares about him?" All I can ever say is "I do."
I do care about you. I always have and I always will. The only problem is caring for you the way I do is killing me. It is breaking me, shredding me, burning me and cutting me. It's is kicking me when I am down and it's kicking damn hard.
You're actions are screaming at me. It's not me. You won't let it be me. You won't let me come home. It might be time to find a new home. I don't want to. I'd rather live on the street then find another home, but you are forcing me. It hurts. You kicked me out of the door and for months now, I have been standing there, waiting for you to let me back in. You changed the locks, my keys don't work anymore. I feel like a stray dog. Sitting outside your door waiting for you to open up your home to me, but you won't.
Do you want me to go find myself another home?
 MadameEx · Tue Feb 17, 2009 @ 05:30am · 0 Comments |
