|
This seems like a flawless crime.. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jeffree Star has been raping my ears lately. I keep listening to his "Get away with murder" that's where my title is from. So, I blogged the other day, nothing fancy, I hardly blog anymore. It's not that I don't want to, its just, I kinda forget its there lol. I spend most of my time schoolin' my cousin, now we're building a house so I've gotta put hours in on that (which honestly scares the hell outta me). I literally have no time anymore. And the time I do have I spend it doing stupid s**t like playing the sims3 on the PS3 when I manage to steal it from my brother. I should be spending my time on MY computer writing, but I don't. Like I said, I wanna write or blog or whatever, I just don't. I have all kinds of ideas for several stories I've got going that I need to put into motion, or down on paper. They're burning a hole in my head, I need to get them outta there before they leave a scar.. Oh who am I kidding? I'm scarred in more ways than ideas burning in my head.
The governer of my state has decided that my certain type of medical care I get, I should only get 3hrs of therapy every 3 months. I see my therapist every week, I've been seeing him that way for awhile, baby steps. I've improved alot, but still, baby steps! And to go from once a week to once a month? Hell no. That ain't gonna work! I'm writing down a prediction here and now, folks. In the state of Kansas, within 6 months it'll be a ******** train wreck. Because there's people that need to see their therapists more than once a month, and that also counts for med checks too. So basically you see your therapist for 2hrs because I have 20min appointments with another doctor that prescribes me meds. When I first started I was bounced from therapist to therapist, none of them knew how to help me. They'd have me coming every 2-3 months, which is what they're going to be doing now because the govnerner is a ********. I wasn't being treated right, they didn't know how to diagnose me so they didn't. I've been seeing Brian for a couple years now, and I HAVE IMPROVED. I'm actually leaving my house, so isn't that a good thing? I thought it was. Brian knows what's wrong with me, he's been building a theory 10 years before I started seeing him that anxiety and other such problems run in families. To which I believe is true, everyone in my family has an anxiety problem in one way or another. You'll see, someday my therapist will be world-wide known for his theory. It's taken him 10 years to find someone with the s**t I have that's willing and wanting to get better. Yes, I'm a guinea pig, but I'm not bitching. He's helping me. I've gone to a concert, to a rodeo, among other things. His idea for treatment is working for me, once a week, baby steps, yes there will be set-backs, but that's okay. That's only human nature. Its okay to one day be going along and suddenly feel like this hill your climbing in life is never ending, but you know what he's taught me? Turn around and look how far up that hill you've come. Suddenly the way up isn't as long as you once thought.
I'm 25yrs old, I have no children, I've never actually dated a person, I've never had alot of things that way. Never been so drunk I vomited, and for that one I'm thankful, but there's alot of life experiances I haven't had enough balls to go out there and write them down in a list of "Whoops, that was a ******** up". My list on that, folks, is very, very short. Why? Because I've been scared to leave my house and be around people. When I was a child I was socially active. I always had friends, I always was doing something, but when I got older, around 12-14 or so, I just stopped everything. I quit talking to my friends, I didn't keep in contact with anyone, I'm slowly starting to find them again.. Thank god for Facebook. But here's how bad it was for me.
I was 16 years old. Usually a person of this age is hounding their parent(s) to get their drivers liscence. I didn't. I wanted to drive, but I was scared. I hardly went to Walmart, I didn't like going anywhere unless it was late at night cause there would be less people there. I was forced to go get my permit, but after I managed to get that it took 2 more years for me to go get my liscence. I was 18, it was July 1st, 2004 I got my drivers liscence. My mom forced me to go, and I'm thankful for that. But I was too scared to go out there and do this. There's alot of times I still can not leave my house. Just going to my front door and seeing my neighbors in their yard or whatever is enough human contact for me. Some days I rarely speak to my family I live with, there's day I don't get out of bed because I just don't wanna deal with people and the attachments or problems that come along with them. I know what you maybe thinking, "You're depressed." Nope, it's just how my head works. Besides I'm on a s**t load of antipsychotics and tranquilizers, still, I don't want to deal with people sometimes. I have unstable moods anyway, I am Bipolar, that's why I'm on antipsychotics. I've tried antidepressants, they made me suicidal. Before I started getting help for all my mental problems, I did slit my wrist. It wasn't very deep, but still, enough for my mom to bandage my arm up and that was the last straw, off to therapy I went. So since I was 17/18 years old I've been bouncing from therapist to therapist or not going at all because I COULDN'T leave my house. So after all this, I need to see my therapist every week. He is helping me, the way we're going through my problems is helping. Like I said, I went to a concert April 4th, 2009. That was the BEST day of my life. I got to see Papa Roach & Avenged Sevenfold live. I got to touch Jacoby Shaddix cause he came running into the stands where I was and I helped him over the railing beside me, hell, I held him up while he sang for awhile before he took off into another part of the crowd! And I waved at Synyster Gates and he waved back at me! He's my guitar idol, as I write this I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold music from their first album. I love that band, but if I wasn't for Brian (My therapist) I wouldn't have gotten this far. I am getting royally ******** over by my health care, and I'm terrified I'll slip back into that shell I was a prisoner of for so long. When I go 2 weeks and I don't see Brian or he's on vacation, I feel myself slipping back into that mindframe.
For me, the Tony Montana saying "The world is mine" is totally the other way, "The world is theirs" and I'm scared of them. 5 outta 7 days I find myself (if I'm out in the world at the moment) wondering why the hell I want to join it anyway. People are mean to each other, no one cares anymore. I've come to view the human race as the worse plague ever. We take over, control, use, abuse and disgard what we don't want anymore, and then move onto another place or person. If the person is of use to us we take full advantage of them and only end up hurting that person.
Then people sit back and wonder why I'm a pagan. Well, here's the reason. In nature, there is order to the way things work. Everyone has their place, and they're okay with it. They're not out hurting others to raise their status, they know that yes, there are vultures out there looking for a carcus to dine off of, but they do what must be done to survive. But they don't go out of their way to hurt others while they're trying to ensure their survial. If they get wounded on the way there, they take a different path, nurse their wounds and watch out for the crocs in the water a bit better. But still, in all that chaos there is order. The Wildebeast knows it will evenutally fall to a lion or a croc. I know you may be thinking "You're talking about how animal nature is, and saying that the wildebeast will fall to a lion or croc, but you won't go out into the world?"
Yes, that's true. Animals prey on each other, but we're humans. We shouldn't use each other for personal gain, we shouldn't prey on the weaker humans because we know they won't b***h if we use them as a stepping stool. That's what I'm talking about. I can't stand a world where no man is equal to the other. If you have money, your life is easy, if you don't have money, you work your a** off and still don't really have much to show for it because the rich are robbing you so they'll stay rich. The poor get poorer while the rich become richer because they're robbing the poor. I hate the unjust in the world. I hate this world because nothing is equal, though we're all born the same, the moment we go home from the hospital, we're not equal any longer.
Example: Sally and Jane were born the same day, the same place, the same time, the same way, as soon as Sally and Jane go home with their parents, Sally becomes different than Jane, because Sally's parents have money and her parents are the kind of people that use others to get what they want. Jane goes home, and she's in a small house with people that work themselves to death just to support her, they work their hands to the bone just so she'll have food, and some nights she goes to bed hungry. While both her parents are working and she's staying with her other family members while her parents work. She grows up knowing how hard life is because she's never had anything, her biggest dream as a child? Going to Disneyland. She works at McDonalds slaving to make a buck while the government takes 2 away from her check, she walks to work because she can't afford a car, her parents both have failing health, she can't afford medicine for them, can't go to school because she doesn't have enough money and the circle repeats. Sally grows up going to Disneyland every year on her birthday, vacations in foreign countries, has the best education, and ends up living off of daddy's money, get a BMW for her 16th birthday, and a new car for her 18th birthday, a new one for her 21st. Both parents are in tip-top health, can afford whatever medication a doctor orders, and Sally doesn't have to work. Her way through college is paid too.
Keep in mind, these are the same two babies that were born same day, the same place, the same time, the same way. They are no longer the same. The only thing they may have in common? The same religion. While Sally's parents are off donating money to the church that complains about gays having the right to be married and have children, Jane, who goes to this church feels like she doesn't belong because oh curveball, she's gay.
And this is a world I really want to become an active "member" of? No thanks. I'll stay inside my doors and live under a rock. This is not a world meant to me, I have eyes that see, an ears that hear the unjust. I also have a heart, and it beats the same as other people of the world, but it breaks easier because I have feelings that just can't stand how humans treat each other.
 WatchTheSunDie · Tue Mar 22, 2011 @ 04:54am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
