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"I think I'm in deep like with you." He said to you suddenly, completely out of the blue one day.
"What?" a blink of confused disbelief.
"I said, I think I'm in deep like with you." oh, you couldn't help but think. Deep like? You couldn't help but notice he didn't say LOVE. and you felt slightly disappointed for some reason.
But the next words that came out of your mouth weren't really what you were thinking at all and then it was too late to retract the statement.

"I'm sorry hyung. I don't think we'll ever be anything more than just close friends." The very second it came out of your mouth you regretted it and you clamped your mouth shut in moderate surprise. Why did you have to go and say something so stupid?! You prayed he saw through your stupidity.

You nervously gazed up at him and all he had was this look of pain but understanding upon his features. And you felt even worse than before. But of course, your hopes were crushed.

"I'll wait for you." and just like that he abruptly turned around and walked away, disappearing into his room as you stood there slightly confused and guilt heavy upon your shoulders. I'll wait for you, he had said. And that gave you a hope that maybe one day, sometime soon, you'll be ready to acknowledge the fact that you're also in deep like with him.

Call yourself paranoid, but as the time passed by and days turned into weeks, weeks into months, you began to notice small things about him that you hadn't noticed prior to the confession.

Like how he always had this natural baby smile upon his face when with others, the overly shy attitude toward women, the overly fond attitude with Jiyong and Seunghyun that made you slightly jealous of them. As the time passed, you began to notice how he seemed to drift a bit away from you, further and further every day, by a small fraction of a centimeter.

He seemed to prefer to be in the presence of the others (mainly Seunghyun for some highly odd reason you don't understand), but it could also attribute to the fact that despite your constant watchful eye over him, you avoided him like the plague should he come near you.

You felt bad about it, but you felt extremely awkward around him, worse than with the maknae, and so you decided to avoid him whenever you were allowed to.

But as the months slowly inched closer and then gone inside the flash of fast-paced life, you saw that he seemed like he forgot all about you, the confession and you couldn't help but feel afraid. What if he had gotten tired of waiting for you? What if he was tired of the constant rejection and the constant avoidance you pointedly made? That fear left you however, as you saw him again and he still gave you those wonderful baby smiles that made your heart skip a beat or maybe two, and he still had those encouraging cheers at the tip of his tongue, encouraging gestures and touches that he reserved all for only you.

Then a few more months passed by and you noticed the smiles that he showed only to you come a lot less frequently and a lot less brightly to the point you almost never really saw it anymore. There was that short period several weeks ago where he had seemed down in the dumps, completely depressed and dead. You feared what had happened but you couldn't bring yourself to comfort him are ask him what was wrong, so you kept your distance.

You still smiled constantly, and you still had your bright attitude but what about Youngbae? He seemed as if his hopes had been crushed.

That, however; had only lasted a number of days (4 to be exact, but who's keeping track?) until he was back to his happy self, but this time around he had someone else by his side. Who exactly? Seunghyun-hyung. You silently resented yourself and Seunghyun for many things, but Seunghyun-hyung mainly because he was all Youngbae-hyung ever saw nowadays.

First, you noticed the discreet touches that were subtle and inconspicuous, invisible to everyone else but too clear for you always watching eyes.

You thought nothing of it at first because the touches were few and far in-between, so you shrugged it off and ignored it. However, they seemed to get even closer than ever as more weeks passed by and the touches seemed much less discreet and more conspicuous to you than ever. And you felt the slight jealousy in your heart. But you hid the fact deep into your heart, preferring to smile instead of being glum over such minuscule details that could just be your overactive imagination.

"Hey, Bae." Seunghyun greeted with a bright smile and Youngbae gave him a smile, hands touching for a split second before they took their places. It was just your imagination, right? They weren't really that much closer, right? You sure hoped it was true.

Then after the too constant touches from Seunghyun and the reciprocated reaction from Youngbae, came the secretive smiles and laughter. They always hung together whenever possible, sharing smiles and untold jokes from one glance, an inside joke that left everyone else feeling out of the loop.

You didn't mind it at first because it was normal, natural for that to happen between friends, band mates and practically brothers. But you still felt that pang in your heart that you liked to describe as envy. Stomping down upon the feeling, you quickly pushed it into the way dark recesses of your mind before going about your normal activities.

The images still haunted you in your sleep though, and you couldn’t help thinking of the scene where they stood near, too near, each other as they smiled and laughed and slung arms around each others shoulders. The whispered secrets and tell-tale stories that came out of those lips that you will probably never know about or hear because of your cowardice haunted you to no ends.

Months passed by and you were subjected to the torture of the one that you care for most drift further away from you. And you did nothing to prevent or stop the rift from growing ever bigger.
Then came the day when you just so happened to forget your cellphone in your room and you went back to quickly go get it before sajangnim yelled at you to get your a** moving or else he would send someone to drag his butt embarrassingly back to the van.

You yell back a, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be back in a moment’s notice. Don’t worry sajangnim!” With a wave of your hand and through the door you go.

The sight you are greeted with; however, was quite surprising and it made your heart skip a beat and then it just killed it entirely.

There they were, just the two of them in the secluded hallway in the shared apartment, kissing. Kissing, and not just on the cheeks either, nope. It was full on mouth to mouth kissing. That’s not to say that they were devouring each others faces off, to be truthful about it, the kiss itself had been innocent and chaste, slow but very much beautiful from your position. He had to admit they those two did make quite a pair, despite the pain you felt in your heart.

“I love you, Seunghyun.” Youngbae murmured out onto Seunghyun’s lips softly, in all earnest and honest intentions as he could ever possibly say. Love? He loves Seunghyun? Not “deep like” like he had told you so many months ago, but love. Why do you suddenly feel a pang of so many mixtures of emotions over that realization?

The gasp that escaped your lips caused them to look up in shock, to be met with a speechless Daesung with a heartbroken expression.

You had just witnessed your love, yes love because goddammit you are ready to admit that you’re in love with Youngbae, not just ‘deep like’, drift not just away from you, but gravitate toward someone else. Someone who actually cared about him and took care of his heart.

You lost your chance at perhaps the best happiness you could’ve had because you were too much of a coward to admit that you were a love sick fool with the heart throb Taeyang aka Dong Youngbae. Oh, how stupid you felt as you turned away from the scene with a heavy heart.

“Wait.” Youngbae called out as he released his embrace with Seunghyun and took a step forward. You stopped in your tracks because you’ll do just about anything and everything so long as he tells you to do it. He gave Seunghyun a look and you saw him bite his lip before he nodded and stepped outside of the apartment, closing the door behind him.

“Come, sit.” He gestured toward the couch and although you guys were short for time, you hesitated before taking the offered seat and sat awkwardly next to your love.

“Sorry I interrupted you and Seunghyun-hyung,” was mumbled out as you pointedly diverted your attention from him. It hurt to even look at him now. But that was your own damn fault.

“Look, Daesung. I’m sorry you had to see that and find out this way.” He explained with a tiresome sigh as he took your hands into his and rubbed small soothing circles onto the back of your hand with his thumbs. A comforting but slightly nervous gesture.

“It’s just. It’s been two years, Daesung. I waited two long years. I’ve waited, and waited, and waited.” He looked guiltily down at your hands as he stopped rubbing circles onto your hands and retracted his own back to his own lap, a bit nervous and sorry at the same time.

“I looked for every possible sign that maybe you’ll reciprocate my feelings for you, but you just never came around. But I still waited, for two long years. I held on for so long because at times I’d think ‘what if I gave up too soon? What if, when I finally let go he’ll finally come around to admitting his feelings for me?’ and I hung onto that hope. But I was just so tired of all the waiting, all the rejection and false hopes. And so I just decided, I’ll give up. I’ll let go of you and give you your breathing room. And through those whole two years, Seunghyun-hyung was there for me. He was there for me when I was depressed, happy, or even angry. He gave me the comfort and love that I never got from you. And so, I moved on with my life. I slowly learned how to love Seunghyun and how to let go of my feelings for you.”

Throughout his entire explanation you noticed how he always used the word “love” and not “deep like” and how, whenever he referred to his feelings for you, they were always simply described as “feelings”. You felt disheartened and in your moment of shock and heartbreak and slight delirium, you kiss him. You just grabbed him and kissed him hard on the mouth and it just felt so wrong but right at the same time.

“I love you, hyung. Please, don’t leave me.” You finally admitted to yourself, and to him. But he shook off your grip on him and stood up from the couch and shook his head. A mumbled “mianhae” was heard before he walked out the door and officially out of your (love) life, right into the waiting arms of another.

“Don’t leave me…” but you were left alone in that apartment and you stayed there for the next few minutes before sajangnim came and dragged you out yelling at you about how he “told you to hurry up!” and how “they had a tight schedule and thanks to your dilly-dallying they were behind”. You were dragged by the ear all the way back to the car with that nagging voice in your ear that you just couldn’t hear over your broken heart.

So, what? No sympathy for the broken hearted? Ran through your head before you were shoved into the van with the other four members and sajangnim right behind, door closing right afterward and off to go do something you didn’t bothering listening to earlier.