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Kwon Jiyong. You don't know what it is about that name, that person that attracts you and holds your attention to such great extents. What is it about this particular person, this particular fascinating human, man, boy, god that gains your attention?

Perhaps it's the way he moves when he dances, modest at times with its own moments of attention-grabbing movements and his intense concentration, devotion. Or maybe it's the way he's such a workaholic, working hard with little rest for his solo album, for their next upcoming album, for himself, for big bang. The way he takes care of Big Bang better than any leader you've ever seen can possibly. He takes on all the stress and heat when things get difficult for Big Bang.

Sometimes you ask why he does all that for you, for them, for Big Bang, "because you're my family, hyung. I love you guys too much to let you guys take the blame," he'd reply with that earnest smile of his. It was stupid because you want to be there for him too as he is there for Big Bang.

And oh how you do love that smile of his. The radiant happiness it sometimes has just makes your heart flutter and your lips stretch into a happy smile that would mirror his own. That smile, the one where his eyes curve up in a slight crescent shape and they sparkle with this type of light, is your favorite smile because it means he's happy, genuinely, truly happy.

You watch as he works, staying up until the latest hours and often never getting any sleep at all. It hurts to see him do this to himself, living off of coffee and working himself to exhaustion, past the limits his body can handle. You want to help him, to get him to get the proper rest he needs, but he never lets you. He was always stubborn like that.

Sighing in exasperation, you continue to stare at the man of your affections. You don't know how or when your feelings changed from brotherly love to this odd and somewhat scary obsession, or romantic love really. You don't know when it started, but you just know that it somehow feels right. The little details you pick up as you observe him intently.

But you know that this love will only be one-sided. After all, you're pretty sure Kwon Jiyong is straight. But it just feels much too nice and much too natural to oppose against what your heart yearns for. It'd be best to keep your distance and simply give him a silent support he can rely on whenever he needs one.

But he never really looks toward you, really. It's always to his best friend or to his female counterpart, Chaerin. It's never you. And it makes you feel left out, unwanted. Alone. And if anything it's a scary feeling. You hate it so much because it makes you do stupid things in order to get rid of it, stupid things that don't ever work. Because only one person can fill that hole in your heart. The one person you'll most likely never be able to get.

You sigh wistfully at the thought of Jiyong like you always tended to do. You really need to pull your act together and move on, forget about him. But if you're truly honest with yourself you know you'll never forgive yourself if you did. He was strong and resilient, but for some reason you can't. His strong and resilient nature draws you to him, makes you want to stay near him at all times, like a piece of magnet that is attracted to metal.

And then he's looking up from his paper work (the lyrics notebook he's been writing in for the past half hour, scribbling and scratching and ripping at the paper as he chews on the edge of his pen), staring straight at you with eyes that are too tired but still too focused for someone in his state, looking in your eyes. And you have the urge to look away as your heart starts to beat erratically in your chest, the barest sign of a blush creeping its way onto your cheeks.

But as you stare back you realize he's not quite looking at you, but beyond you, not really noticing your presence. He's looking past you into the empty abyss of space, behind you, in front of him, all around the living room, as he starts to lightly chew on his pen cap again, mumbling softly as he thinks of the perfect beat to go with the freshly written lyrics, his other hand starting to tap in a slow tempo.

You feel your heart sink as you feel your heart sink into your stomach, unintentionally and unwillingly raising your hopes. But for what? What did you hope he'd do? That he'd look up at you and smile, beckon you over so he could cuddle up next to you? As if that'd ever happen.

Sighing, you drag yourself over to the couch as you wait for him to finish his work, not wanting to disturb him in this state (because you know he wouldn't respond anyways because when he's like this, working hard and earnestly, immersing himself into his work, you know he doesn't want to be bothered and the wrath he shall inflict upon whomsoever dare ruins his work would be too terrifying to experience), making yourself comfortable while you're at it.

No matter how long he'll take, even if he'll stay up all night working, you'll wait for him so you can go to bed with him. Sleep could wait.