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FANFIC:

(did I ever post this in my journal??)

--

(GD's POV)

I sigh as I lay back upon my bed, Ri is gone at the moment, out on a photo shoot since morning.
It's been a week since the incident up on the roof and ever since then, he's been avoiding me like the plague. I sigh in frustration, burying my hands in my hair as I mess it up. Why is he like this?! Can't he see that I'm genuinely concerned about him? Can't he see that I worry about him? I roll onto my side as thoughts of the incident rolled through my brain. It's been bugging me so much I can't really seem to focus on much else but him and thoughts of him. Why does that keep on happening?

Even when I'm with my RiRi, I can't seem to concentrate on him and only concentrate on Seunghyun-hyung. I'm so engrossed with my thoughts I didn't seem to notice Ri coming home until he was in front of our room door, calling out to me.

"HYUNG! I've been calling for you for the past minute, why didn't you reply?" I snap out of my thoughts as I heard maknae at the door.

"Oh, hey Seung Ri. What were you saying earlier?" I asked distractedly, waving at him as he entered the room.

"I SAID," Seung Ri sat down upon the bed, smiling, "I'm back."

"Oh, well then. Time for your warm welcome then, I suppose? Well, okaeri, Seung Ri!" I say to Seung Ri, smiling as I greeted him upon his arrival home.

"Finally I get my welcome!" Seung Ri jokes as he lays down on the bed next to me.
"Tadaima." Seung Ri continued, scooting closer in order to kiss me. As he kissed me, I felt nothing but a hollow and dull feeling in my heart. For some reason, when he kissed me, it just didn't seem right anymore. I broke the kiss as I stared at Ri's face.

"Ne, RiRi. You must be tired. Why don't you sleep?" I say to Seung Ri, hoping to get back to my thoughts of the incident on the roof.

"Mm. Kay. Will you stay with me?" Ri asks, looking up at me in that cute way of his that just doesn't seem as cute as it used to be.

"Course Ri. Where else will I go?" I tell him, tired voice and a fake yawn to convince him to go to sleep already.

"Of course." Ri says and laughs then cuddles into my side, exhausted from his long day of work and smile on his face.

"Night, RiRi." I say to him as he soon enough drifts into the land of slumber. Finally, more time to think about the situation. I've had one week to think about it and yet I'm still not over it. It's not surprising really, since you don't really see Seunghyun so weak and emotional that often. It's a rare occurrence really and when it does happen, you know something is terribly wrong. I think of the actions we did and the words we said.

-Flashback-

"Stop acting as if you care, Ji. Stop acting as if you really want to comfort me. Stop doing this to me, Ji! Why can't you just leave me alone?! Go! You have Ri now, and I'm just left here to wallow in my misery! So just go back to your beloved one and leave me alone!" Seunghyun yelled at me with so many emotions laced in his voice it was hard to decipher it all. I was in complete shock. Why is he yelling at me? And then I feel this painful tightening like a strong grip within my chest, where my heart is supposed to be.

I become saddened. It hurt to think that he actually said that to me. I don't know why it hurt so much, but it just seemed to make my heart clench in pain and my stomach do some strange flip flops. Is that how he really feels? Does he really think that I don't care about him? Of course I do! I look at his face with that shocked expression on his face just like mine, coming to a realization about something.

He pushed me away as he said, "Just go, Ji. You have someone waiting for you downstairs." standing up in the process. At those words, I couldn't help but feel outraged. Here I am, trying to comfort him and all he does is push me away?!

And in a moment of silent anger, I do just as he says, going away just like he told me to. I clench my fists tightly together, but it doesn't help any. I feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes but I don't really know why I'm crying. There's nothing to cry over.

In a last moment of desperation to get him to open up to me, I tell him, "Fine, be that way. If you really don't want me here that badly, I'll go away." and as I say those words, I unintentionally let the pain and sad feelings I felt at the time seep into my voice. Because he was being so mean and distant it hurt.

It hadn't worked. I guess reverse psychology doesn't work all that well, huh?
I walk to the door, about to go down the flight of stairs leading to where Ri would be. That thought kind of seemed strange. I was exactly going to Ri, but it seemed as if I was being led to him.

I pause at the last second, only one step away from the door and my hand almost on the door knob. I had to know. Before I left him alone, I had to know why he was pushing me away so desperately.
"Why are you being so mean? Why can't you just let me comfort you? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" I ask him with the voice of conviction but the tone of curiosity, if that would make any sense. I felt bitter. I stood in front of the door, waiting for his answer, for any sort of reply.

He stayed mainly silent except for one uttered sentence that doesn't really do much but make me even more aggravated. It explains nothing and it simply just puts the situation into that much more mystery.

"Because, Ji. Simply because." he tells me. I clench my fists again, trying to control my annoyance. I frown as I instead open the door to the flight of stairs, going down to where Ri would be. I try and get rid of that painful feeling in my chest as one tear escapes down my cheek. I quickly brush it away with my hand.

There's no reason to cry. There's no need to cry. I'll be seeing Ri soon. But I don't want to see him right now. I can't deal with the maknae right now. I won't go to Ri, Maybe I'll just take a walk around the block and sort my thoughts or something.

The door closes behind me as I continue to walk down the flight of stairs. I hear a soft thump and a sigh on the rooftop before it's drowned out by the sound of the TV and maknae and Dae Sung playing RTS video games.

- End Flashback-

I sigh and roll onto my back, these thoughts taking me nowhere but in an endless circle of confusion. What a complicated mess. I run a hand through my hair as I bite my lip in concentration, frowning lightly as I thought.
That day, I had wanted to go to the roof to get away from everything and simply have peace and quiet to think. To think about everything and anything. It was one of those times where I felt like questioning everything.

But, the unexpected had happened when I went up there, something that just made me all the more confused. And as I lay there with my arm over my forehead, I couldn't help but to think of the whole ordeal over again.

-Flashback-

Sighing, I walked up the short flight of stairs leading to the roof. I needed to get some fresh air in order to finally organize my jumbled up thoughts. As I reached the door that was left ajar, I could hear a faint sound that sounded as if someone was trying to hold back their tears. As if someone was trying to choke down their sobs. I wonder who it could be.

I slowly open the door, but only by a bit more as to be able to see what's going on without getting caught. I peer through the crack I've made and see the one person I least expected to see up there, crying his eyes out. I felt this strange urge to walk up to him and comfort him.
At the sight of him crying so much only made the confusion I felt even worse. But I decided to go in anyways.

I walk toward Seunghyun, opening to door completely before closing it behind me. I try to be silent because I don't really want him to notice that I'm here, but that kind of defeats the purpose of trying to comfort him.

Nevertheless, quietly I approached him, silently debating on whether or not I really should be bothering him at this time.

Deciding to anyways, I gently approached him and laid my hand on top of his head, a worried expression on my face.

I've always been worried about him. He was acting really strange lately, and it was your job to see what's wrong.

As you lightly touched his head, he suddenly jumped, startling you a bit.

As he looks up toward my face, I notice his red and poufy eyes from crying for who-knows-how-long.

This time I frown as he quickly wipes away his tears. What could have caused him to be in this state?

As he does so, he asks in a quiet and hoarse voice "Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?"
I frown a bit more as I place my hand on his shoulder. That kind of hurt. I don't really understand why, but it did.

"Why are you crying up here all alone, hyung?" with concern evident in my voice and facial features, I wait for a reply.

-End Flashback-

I decide to go to sleep and stop dwelling on this for the moment, we had dance practice early tomorrow morning anyways.

-The Next Day-

Getting up, I stretched while yawning. Man, what restless sleep. I really couldn't stop thinking about him at all. Preoccupied with my thoughts, I slowly make my way to the bathroom, yawning again on my way. On my way to the restroom I bump into someone in my daze. With a groan and oof, I look up to see who I bumped into, about to apologize.

"Mian..." but I trailed off as I saw that it was none other than Seunghyun, the one who's been plaguing my thoughts for a whole week. With an awkward tension in the air, I stare at him as he stares back. As I was about to speak, it seemed as if he snapped out of his trance and looked away.

"Mianhae." he quickly murmurs before scurrying off to where ever it was he was going, probably the kitchen. I watch the direction he leaves in as I begin to feel annoyed. I close my eyes and frown as I inhale deeply. This was getting really annoying. Him avoiding me constantly and ignoring me for one week straight is really getting on my nerves.

I exhale deeply, pouting a bit as I cross my arms. Whatever. I'm totally going to confront him about this later. Question is, when is the perfect time to catch him without him running off? Hmm. That'll be left for later, right now, I really need to shower.

Uncrossing my arms and hanging my head a bit, I walk to the restroom and proceed to open the door. With my thoughts occupied by Seunghyun, I proceed to lock the restroom door and take a shower.

-The Dance Studio-

Everybody was exhausted from hours of dance practice, everybody sweating and out of breath.
"Alright everybody, once more and then we can have a break." I tell them. Out of breath and panting, I cue them in for one more run through of the routine.

"5 6 5 6 7 8" I count out loud in preposition for the run through, snapping my fingers to the counts.

"And 1 2 3 4..." I count off before I trail off and continue to do the dance work with everyone else.

The run through is finally over and everyone is panting for breath. With my heart pounding and breath short, I tell everyone, "Alright. Good job you guys. You guys can go have the next hour break." Trying to catch my breath and cool down, I go over to get my water bottle and sit against the wall. I watch as everyone else proceeds to go to their respective areas for their water, talking quietly amongst each other.

Everyone looks drained of energy and is sweating profusely. Ri walks over toward me after talking to Youngbae about something, smiling. I smile back a bit, softly waving to him in a lazy manner.

"Hey hyung." he said as he proceeded to sit down beside me and lay his head on my shoulder.
He look over to him briefly before looking back over to where Youngbae Daesung and Seunghyun were.

I watch them converse and joke around. I see Seunghyun smile and I can't help but feel this fluttery type of feeling in my stomach and my heart skip a beat. Then I shake the feeling off. That was strange. I continue to watch as they exchange words and see Daesung sit beside Seunghyun, laying his head on his shoulder, smiling broadly.

And when I see that, I can't help but feel this little feeling in my stomach, as if I was... jealous. But of who? Deciding to shake off that thought, I continue to observe. I see Daesung and Youngbae say something, nodding as they agree about something.
They then turn to Seunghyun, Daesung asking him something. I see him shake his head, smiling slightly before I see Daesung stand up and nod.

Daesung and Youngbae wave toward Seunghyun walking toward our direction, Seunghyun nodding at them. Youngbae calls out to Ri, turning around from Seunghyun to face our direction. I look down toward the maknae on my shoulder and see him half asleep.

Nudging him awake, I call out to him softly.

"Ne, maknae. Wake up. This is no time to sleep. Youngbae and Daesung are calling for you."
"Nnhnn." he groans before he slowly lifts his head off my shoulder, blinking rapidly in order to get the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hmm?" he yawns, rubbing his eyes in the process.

"Ne, Seungri." Youngbae calls out to maknae. "Let's go." Seungri nodded, getting up in the process.

"Hyung, do you want to come with us?" Seungri asked with a smile.

"Eh? Oh, no. I think I'll just stay here and practice a bit more." I replied smiling back, quickly coming up with some excuse as to not come with them. Shrugging, Seungri said, "Okay. Let's go, guys." before walking out with the other two, talking animatedly about something or other I couldn't be bothered to care about at the moment. I looked back over to where Seunghyun is. This could be the perfect chance to corner him into finally telling me what's up.

Trying to act inconspicuous, I silently observe Seunghyun, making sure he doesn't notice that I'm still here. He's simply looking down at his phone, flipping through it for something. I slowly get up and proceed toward him slowly quietly and cautiously. I can't have him running away with the others. Cautiously, I call out to him.

"Hyung...?" I ask and I see him slowly look up from his phone and look up at me.

I see his eyes widen slightly as he surveyed the area, seeing everyone gone and only the two of us were left. He quickly got up and was about to walk away before I grabbed onto his arm.

"Wait!" I called out loudly, clutching his arm tightly. "I need to talk to you."

I tell him, now looking him straight in the eyes. I am determined to get to the bottom of this issue no matter if he is willing or not. He glared back at me, trying to tug his arm out of my grasp, but I tighten my grip.

"Let go of me." he said. The first full sentence he's said to me in a week. That only makes me tighten my grip as I look up at his face, glaring at him.

"No." I tell him defiantly. He again attempts to get his arm out of my grasp, pulling as hard as he could. To no avail, he uses his other hand to grab onto mine, attempting to pry it off. As his hand touched mine, I couldn't help but feel this type of shocking electric feeling run up my arm and spread throughout my body, causing me to momentarily loosen my grip. Using that moment of lapse to get away, he quickly turns around and walks quickly away.
I snap out of my daze and chase after him.

"W-wait!" I call out to him, arm reaching out in order to catch him. He simply speeds up his pace.
I run as fast as possible toward him, finally able to catch him right before he is able to reach the door.

"HYUNG!" and as I yell that word out, he stops in his tracks, turning around to face me as I'm sent crashing into him.

Rubbing my nose, I quickly step back in confusion. Why'd he have to stop so suddenly?!

"What? What do you want?!" he yells at me angrily, frown on his face.

Nervously due to his angry voice, I stutter out, "I-I n-need to talk to y-you." Having a hard time looking at him, I avert my eyes toward the ground and fidget.

"About WHAT?" he asked impatiently. With no idea as to why he may be so angry, I continue to fidget and mutter out a barely coherent sentence in explanation.

"A-about the i-incident on the roof... last week..." but this time, I have to look up at his face to show him that I'm serious and we really do need to talk about it.

"Forget about it." he scoffs before attempting to turn away and walk out of the room. This time, I begin to feel angry myself. What is his problem? Why does he have to be so mean! I frown and right before he is able to take a second step, I stop him by saying.

"What the ********, hyung?! Why are you being so MEAN? Why won't you just tell me? What the ******** is your problem?!"
"And I told you to forget about it! You don't need to know!" he yells at my face and I feel this bubbling fury in my chest as I begin to feel extremely annoyed by his attitude.
"Seunghyun! Why won't you tell me?! I'm worried about you!" I yell at him and it's no longer 'hyung' but now his name, because you're serious now and you're worried about him.
"Why won't you just tell me why you were crying?! Why?!" I continue to yell at him desperately, and I feel tears accumulate within my eyes. Why am I even crying? What the heck is there to cry about?!
But I know. I'm crying because I'm hurt he won't tell me. Because he doesn't seem to trust me enough.
"Do you not trust me?! Is that it?!" I feel hurt because of this and I angrily wipe away my tears, glaring at him as I wait for his answer.
"It's not that! Just drop it, okay?!" he yells back just as angrily, or perhaps more out of frustration.
"Then why don't you tell me!" I yell back. Because I need to know. I don't know why I do, but I have to know why it was he was crying. Why does he have to be so stubborn? Aish. This argument is getting nowhere.
"Because!" He yells even louder and I see as he tightly clenches his eyes and hands
"That's not an explanation!!" I yell at him. Hopefully, if I am able to provoke him enough, he'll tell me.
And then he snaps his head up, eyes wide and a look of mild shock on his face. What's he so shocked about? I watch as he bites his lip slightly before he opens his mouth to speak. I look into his eyes and watch. I watch as his gaze hardens and his expression turns devoid of emotion.

"You want to know?! You want to know why I was crying so ******** much that day?!" he yells at you in fury. His face then contorts into that of madness and outrage.

"Yes! Why! Tell me!" I prompt him to tell me and it seems as if he snapped.

"It's because of you!" he's completely outraged and he seems to be breathing in and out harshly due to the excessive yelling we've been doing earlier and I too am panting for breath, pointing at me accusingly. But as I hear his words, I feel completely shocked. What does he mean because of me?

"W-what?" I stutter out in complete surprise and wonder. What could I have possibly done to make him like that? To make him cry so much? And it seems as if he snapped out of his trance or something as he had a look of pure shock on his face, mouth slightly open and eyes impossibly wide. He then closes his mouth in a tight and stern line, frowning before looking away, unable to look me directly in the eye.

"Nothing. Forget I even said anything." he mumbles softly to me and I can't help but feel even more confused as to why he would even say that.

"No. I won't. Tell me what you mean." I tell him sternly as I request, or rather demand, for a clearer explanation.

Then, all of a sudden, the door to the studio door opens and in walks the Youngbae, Daesung, and Seungri, actually silent for once as they cautiously enter. Seunghyun turns around in mild surprise at their entry as I simply stare at them in confusion.
Time couldn't possibly have flown by that fast.

"What's wrong...?" Youngbae asks just as cautiously as he did approach the room.

"We heard yelling..." Daesung continues for Youngbae, the three slowly circling around us to get to the other side of the room, not wanting to go through us in fear of getting eaten alive.

"It's nothing." Seunghyun replies quickly before turning away from me and walking out of the door, SeungRi having to move out of the way as he remained near the door during the little exchange.

I watch as he walks out the door and down the hallway before he disappears from my sight. I sigh before tiredly turning around and walking back to where I had been previously. Everything just seems to get more complicated, no matter how much I try and resolve these issues.