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December 10th [12:13]

Transmission start,

Just spent a lot of platinum on items. I'm glad it's easy to earn platinum just from interacting with the site. I'd eventually like to do a guide for returning and new players in order to help people get items they enjoy. I found the easiest way for me to search for items I'd make outfits out of is using the outfit purchase page. It allows one to see the items being used as well. That's so helpful since not all items are listed individually to the marketplace. I've been able to buy a number of items, the most I've bought since I've started I reckon.

Gaia really is a lot of fun and I forgot how much fun this game could be. Not to be a broken record. Anyways, doing another journal for the platinum and just because I'm in a typing mood...hmm. Maybe I should channel that into finishing my short story. I think that's what I'll do after work today. That and stop by the store to get some stuff. Still deciding on whether or not I'm going to invest in this audio equipment. Maybe I'll set up a budget in addition to writing and store shopping. Seems to be one of those days you feel like you can do everything under the sign. The planets have aligned for my productivity. Feeling good today. Keeping this journal feels good too.

I never feel like I get to talk about myself or what I want to do enough. Honestly, it is a very conceited way of thinking. Having gotten out of a bad situation, it always felt like I was walking on eggshells and could never do what I wanted to do. My ex is / was chronically late all the time. She had bad agoraphobia because of a run in with the cops where she got tackled for no reason. Understandable, but it got the best of our relationship. No matter what, everything had to be perfect if we were to leave the house. Making the bed took priority over us being on time for EVERYTHING. Whether it was important, running behind schedule or what. Either that or I end up doing everything because she just can't leave the house. Then, when I get back, the thing she fussed over wouldn't even be done.

She could never just roll with the punches for even the small stuff. She got overwhelmed for some of the smallest stuff. I could feel it rubbing off on me too, it became a sort of emotional abuse. It was very unfortunate to begin to feel like that again, something I've dealt with before with family. I began to distance myself, to help retain or preserve some sense of self. Not really sure how this became a rant but it did. We were together on and off for 2 years and some change. These last 2 months of the relationship, I really tried to better myself for the both of us, I had issues with not opening up before and I really came out and expressed my want to repair things. I struggled with my anger and I made strides to fix myself so I could be a better man for myself but for her as well. It honestly was a boost to my confidence when we talked about it. How she understood because she had dealt with anger before. How she couldn't let it control her. That's when repairing the relationship began to blossom. It felt like a return to form but the rose colored lenses didn't last all that long. We fell into the same patterns as before. My love and issues persisted, even without building resentment and talking about them again, it all came to a head. I didn't love her anymore. My bank account had dwindled lower than it had been in months. My nerves were shot and I never felt like I had a moment to myself. She always liked to say "hun, it's not like I want you in my space indefinitely and all the time."

This was not the case. If I'm not within ear shot of her, it was a problem. She had bad hearing but would constantly try and talk to me from other rooms in her apartment. It was annoying to say the least. I truly could not stand it. It got to the point where, if she called, I would ignore her until she asks me to go to her or she comes to me. No point in getting huh? (x3) when trying to answer a simple yes or no. Then if I raise my voice to answer her, she sees it as me yelling at her with an attitude when she knows that she can't hear well. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. She was a perfectionist that could never adhere to her own goals. She never did get re- certified to be a nurse in the 2 years we were together. She always had an excuse as to why she couldn't. My life was going in the opposite direction. She could never save money, but always had enough to buy frivolous s**t. It was annoying. If not for the constant excuses, it would have been nice to see her put effort into the things she expects of me. Felt very much like being used to keep her fed so she can buy what she wants. I never got to spend on my hobbies. Even now, I type this as she owes me 200 / 400$ I loaned her to help her pay for rent. Which is half of the 800$ we spent to get her friend's car fixed. So aggravating to just feel like I was nothing more than someone to mooch off.

Anyways, I'm going to make that to do list and actually get this stuff done. I can't wait to see the future fruits of my effort. I'm leaning more towards just purchasing the equipment outright with a bit of help from the personal loan to buy the camera.