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I'd like to apologise for the delay in recent forum postings.

Actually, that's a lie. I don't like apologising for anything, because I do far too much of it as it is. Instead, I'd like to blame the delays on everything else. Like buses, which hide behind corners if they see me waiting at the stop. Or the people in front of me in the queue for any ATM machine, who take half an hour to use it, because they've never seen an ATM before in their life. They've put in their library card and are wondering why they can't withdraw Wuthering Heights.

Or there's the other people who slow me down. The people in shops who arrived exclusively in order to buy cigarettes. Hey, this is a supermarket, not a tobaccanists! There are people here trying to do some real shopping! Yes, hello. I'd like some credit for my mobile phone please.

Or there's the two teenage mums walking together talking about useless fathers and alternately smacking or swearing at their kids; who have used their pushchairs to form a kind of rolling roadblock of the kind that the police use to catch joyriders.

Or there's air resistance. Stupid air resistance, always slowing me down.

victoryusagi is a bored writer living in West Sussex. He needs some more credit for his mobile phone.