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I watched from the distance, always in the distance, as they lay there, cuddling and whispering. I watch as they smile at each other and snuggle upon the couch.
It's been so many months since they first got together and yet everyday my heart feels as if it's being stabbed over and over again.
I couldn't take anymore so I decided to go up to the rooftop instead. It always felt great to feel the wind against my body .
I don't know how long I've been up there, but I know I just love the sensation of the cool wind rushing through me. I close my eyes and inhale deeply.
I thought it would've been a great way to escape my thoughts on the couple but as I open my eyes, the thoughts came flooding back. The empty hole in my heart seemed to become more prominent, the pain I feel becomes stronger.
I exhale a shaky breath and soon enough realize that there are tears running down my cheeks. I wonder when it was I first started to cry?
I choke in my sobs as I sit down upon the ground, back against the ledge of the roof as I try to control my tears. When was the last time I cried? I probably kept it all in until now.
My tears became more uncontrollable and unbearable, but at least they were silent... that way, no one will see me in this pathetic state.
I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, burying my head in my arms.
Why did everything have to be like this? Why am I the only one that has to suffer like this?
It seemed as if a long time has passed since I started crying and I don't seem to be stopping anytime soon. My heart just hurts too much.
I never should've fell in love with him, that way, I wouldn't have to deal with this unbearable pain, a pain I'm just never going to get used to.
Then, I suddenly felt a hand on my head, and I jumped. I instantly look up to see who it is, tears still in my eyes. What was he doing here? When did he get up here?
I quickly wipe away my tears, my voice hoarse and dry from the long time I've spent crying.
"Oh, it's you. What you doing here?" I ask quietly to Jiyong. I try and keep my voice monotone and void of any emotions. It's not the time to be weak in front of him. My voice betrayed me as my voice cracked at the near end of the sentence.
He simply frowned and placed his hand on my shoulder asking instead, "Why are you crying up here all alone, hyung?"
It seemed like he was genuinely worried for me, but perhaps that's just my wishful thinking.
"Like you even care." I tell him. It wasn't what I wanted to tell him, but my mouth seemed to move on its own. I shake his hand off my shoulder.
"How can you say that, hyung? Of course I care." and I looked up into his eyes then and there, because I really want to be left alone and my heart simply can't deal with this right now.
As I was set to gaze into his eyes and tell him to leave me the hell alone, I falter. Did it seem as if he was... sad because of what I just said to him? I shake my head to rid myself of such thoughts.
"Tell me, why are you crying?" He places his hands on my face, wiping the tears from my eyes. Why is he doing this to me? Is he teasing me? Is he trying to get my hopes up only to crush them again? He has Ri, so why is he even here? I have to refrain myself from wanting to just running into his embrace, holding him so tightly and never letting go.
I knock his hands from my face instead, turning my head away and then look into his eyes with a determined gaze.
His hand remained where I pushed it, in mid air as if reaching for something. I look into his eyes, and it look as if he were hurt by my actions, but it's more than likely just my wishful thinking.
"Stop acting as if you care, Ji. Stop acting as if you really want to comfort me. Stop doing this to me, Ji! Why can't you just leave me alone?! Go! You have Ri now, and I'm just left here to wallow in my misery! So just go back to your beloved one and leave me alone!" I yell at Ji with such desperation and anger and pain, and then I gasp as tears start to stream down my face again, realizing what I've just said. I've said too much. I look at his face and he seems shocked at what I just said, but I don't have the courage to say much else to that.
I push him away and stand up. "Just go, Ji. You have someone waiting for you downstairs." I tell him softly this time, eyes red and swollen and poofy, but I don't really care. Because right now, I'm just trying to get away from this and he's only making things worse for me.
I see a sort of glint in his eyes before he turns away and walks slowly to the door.
"Fine, be that way. If you really don't want me here that badly, I'll go away." he says to me, and it sounds as if he genuinely sad and in pain, but I know my mind and heart is just trying to play tricks on me. Because Ji doesn't love me, he doesn't care about me. He has Ri and I'm left out of this little web of love.
He walks back to the door, but pauses right before his hand reaches the door knob.
"Why are you being so mean? Why can't you just let me comfort you? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" he asks. So many questions and I have nothing to say in reply. His back is toward me and he is still there, standing in front of the door waiting for my reply.
I simply stay silent. But the one thing I do say in reply, he doesn't seem to like. "Because, Ji. Simply because." and I have nothing else to say to him or else I know for sure I'll give myself away. I stay silent as he walks through the door and down the flight of stairs, closing the door on his way.
I sigh as I sit back down, this time I rest my hand upon my head and gaze at here he just was. I stare as I drove away the love of my life, the one that has become the very reason for my mere existence upon this complicated world.
With that pain back in my heart and the tears welling up in my eyes once more, I whisper,
"Because, Ji. Because I love you. And because, somehow, I could never say, 'As long as you're happy, then it's okay.' "
And I lay my head against the ledge, arms down against my side and legs flat against the ground.
Why do things have to be so complicated? Why does love have to be so complicated?