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So i've moved. It's not that bad, the trailers set at a tilt but my dad was getting to annoyyed to fix it. The left is lower than the right side. So, to type out a little how i have recently figured out how my brain works. I'm insecure because Carla kind of made me that way. (go back 4-5 posts you'll find her) We would go out and she would never tell me how she felt except in notes. I'd get a love note from her and not but 5-10 minutes later she would break up with me for no reason. I noticed the pattern and was afraid everytime we would talk, in person or on the phone that she would break up with me again. I didn't figure that until just recently, but I had always thought I had escaped Carla unscathed. Its never that easy though is it? So, now I tell people I care about enough to care about how they feel about me, pretty much everything about me. I don't care about my journal, I only post on here because I'm always hoping that this would be enough not to tell my life stories to people. I don't want them to feel the same way. Other than being moved away from my girlfriend, this is the worst feeling in the world. I always think about what if there paranoid about it like I am, what if they're wondering what I'm worried about about them. I need to stop, it ruins relationships. I just hated the feeling, and I still do. It scares the s**t out of me about what most of my friends think of me. Hell KT(girl same page as Carla) told me she still kinda like likes me and not five minutes after we got off the phone, i'm trying to dissect it, "What if she didn't mean it" "What if I'm forcing her to say that out of pity, or sympathy?". Its rediculous. Now i'm telling her my life story, I need to STOP, I need to find a different release. It just drives me crazy some times, god time moves so slow a lot of the time. All I can do now is look back at how things I thought were bad would lead to good things. My hopes and dreams still stand a chance, and I'm really afraid about what a wreck I'll be if I don't meet them. I look at my mom, what I always attributed to a general dislike for my dad, I think it just might be the look of surrender. She's in a hell hole, no where near where she thought she'd be. I never want to feel that way, and I have a promise to myself to keep. Whoever I end up with will get what she wants, and will be happy. I'll make sure she always knows I love her and will do wahtever it takes to help her reach her dreams. I made that back when I was six or seven, back when my mom and dads fights were pretty bad.(not physically bad they just yelled a lot) Well that was very uplifting. I honestly thought I would come on here excited but i just got to thinking.
 hikaru23232 · Mon Sep 06, 2010 @ 03:06am · 0 Comments |
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